It’s absolutely alright to kill a flying cockroach

It’s absolutely alright to kill a flying cockroach because those things deserve no compassion.

cockroaches + flying = terrible

We can all agree that terrible is a terrible thing  and that terrible needs to go away. So by killing a flying cockroach you make the world a much better place.

Someone who has clearly never been attacked by a flying cockroach: But flying cockroaches have feelings too!

Me: No. No, they don’t.

In fact, there is NOTHING you can do to a flying cockroach to make me feel bad about mushing it.

That’s a purple cockroach with rainbow wings and a “I Love You” sign.

I will still kill that thing.

Even if it was pooping out hearts and flowers.

Even if it knew where the unicorns are.

Why?

Because when I was a young 10 year old I was attacked by a flying cockroach and I didn’t know what to do. Obviously this was a traumatizing experience, however,  today I decided relive that trauma to help you with any future flying roaches that come your way. All you have to do is follow these steps:

1) Upon spotting the flying cockroach scream. Then run away while shaking your hair and swatting the air violently.

2) Call someone for help and make THEM kill it.

911 operator: What seems to be the problem?

ME: There is a FLYING COCKROACH IN MY ROOM!

911 operator: Then you will have to call an exterminator, I cant help you with that . .

ME: Yes you can! COME KILL IT!!

3) When the person says “NO” because they’re somewhere stupid like work (thanks mom and dad), gather the ammunition.

“These boots are made for squashing, and that’s just what they’ll do . . “

4) Slowly approach the roach’s flying zone.

5) Yell motivational sayings and reasons why you are NOT afraid of that roach.

I’m bigger than you! I’m like very tall too!

I WILL MUSH YOU!!!!

I don’t even care if you fly into my mouth because that won’t kill me probably. Also I have a plastic bag over my head so you can’t fly into my mouth anyway!!

DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!

I’m NOT SCARED OF YOU!! I’m the tallest girl in my school!!

Oooohh whatcha gonna do? Fly at me?!?!?!?

6) ATTACK AND MUSH THAT MOTHERCLUCKER!!

Congratulations, you have made the world a slightly better place.

Dear Daily Blogging, I QUIT. Thanks.

F0ur score and 25 days ago, right around final exams crazy time, I decided to blog everyday.

Because when time gets even scarcer I think of more time consuming things to do.

Because why not?

Around the the 11th day of my “daily post” challenge I started to dread it. It was hard to write something everyday especially when you’re a lazy bum face like I am.

Hmmm what should I write about today?

Oh look there is a cup!

               Cups Are Cool Maybe. Probably? Even!

Cups are cool and sometimes they are purple. If you throw a glass cup really hard it will shatter into a bazillion pieces! Can you imagine a world without cups? I sure can’t! Those things are like an important component of the fabric of life as we know it. I mean think about it, if you had five cups and I had a pet bear and llama cross breed we would both probably enjoy picnics at the beach. And maybe eat a sandwich . . .

So I decided to stop the daily challenge. Just like that.

Done

Wussyyyy. You can’t handle it.

I can handle it! I did it for 11 days!

11 days? Wow someone get this girl a metal or better yet get her a rutabaga. She definitely deserves it.

Okay fine, I won’t stop today but only because its the 11th day and 11 is an awkward number. I’ll stop at 25 because that’s half of 50 and quarters have that number.

Yesterday was day 25. I’m not suppose to post today. Today is a post-less day.

Except at 11:15 PM I began to panic.

I should at least tell all my 4kbillion readers about my decision that can possibly completely alter their lives. I’ll post it on twitter.

Except nobody looks at my twitter. DAMN.

Why I’m I being panicky?? I NEED TO POST SOMETHING!! IT’S ALMOST MIDNIGHT AHHHH!!

No I’m suppose to stop.

I cant I NEED to post.

Hello don’t you remember? It takes 21 days to form a habit! That’s why there are 21 cigarettes in one box! So people can get addicted! You’re like a smoker now!!

Wow I just got a really funny picture in my head of me as a smoker but I can’t draw it because I’m running out of time!
It’s 11:56 PM

I still need to put this in a category! AND TAGS!!!

and grammer

and spelling!!!

and oh MY GOD someone please help me!!!

I’m getting chills and cold sweats and maybe I’m having a panic attack, maybe . .

Challenge status  DAY 26!

UPDATE: NOOOOOO. NOO NOO. WORDPRESS ughhh. I PUBLISHED THIS ON MAY 16 at 11:59 PM. Why does it say May 17th? Excuse me while I break down and cry.

UPDATE 2: Okay everyone, let’s all use our powers of imagination and pretend that it actually says the 16th not the 17th. There problem solved!

UPDATE 3: NO no no no no no no no no . . . .

UPDATE 4: Dear WordPress, If you change the date on this post to what it’s actually suppose to be I’ll give you my last jar of Nutella.

Sometimes You Just Gotta Yell at Bathtubs

There was a time in my life where I was too terrified to enter a bathroom. Not because bathrooms were nasty and smelled bad but because faucets, sinks, toilets, and bathtubs.

MOM: faucets, sinks, toilets, and bathtubs?

ME: Yes, they’re scary!

MOM: How are they scary?

ME: Well didn’t you ever think, while sitting on the toilet, what if this toilet needs to talk? And what if it needs to say “onwards march” and then it accidentally swallows you and you drown in the dirty water.

MOM: Toilets don’t talk, now go take your bath.

ME: I can’t! I might anger it and then it will start yelling and the drain will open up and I’ll die.

MOM: That’s not going to happen. Now GO.

ME: You don’t even care about me! Your daughter is going to get eaten by a bathtub and you don’t even care.

MOM: GO. TAKE. YOUR. BATH. RIGHT. NOW.

Did you ever try to take a bath while being ridiculously terrified of a bathtub?

I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy. You sit there for a while anxiously waiting for a deep voice to say “I’m a bathtub and I will now say onwards march because the word onwards makes me go ‘OHH’ and that opens the drain real wide and then you will fall in it and drown in the dirty water.” Except I will die way before he even finishes that statement because he would have already said onwards march. It was a suicide mission basically.

So I developed a safe bathing technique called you-think-I’m-taking-a-bath-but-it’s just-the-water-running.

But then I started to smell bad.

So I decided to confront my fears straight on.

And not once did that bathtub speak.

NOT ONCE.

Challenge status (what’s this about?): DAY 25

This is the Shortest Post

Ever.

Row, row, row your boat gently down the  . . .

Challenge status (what’s this about?): DAY 24

I am the AMERICANEST

There is this game that’s been going on for a while. It’s actually really fun.

It’s called “You’re not even American so get out of my country!”. This game is probably the most popular game in America!

Politicians play it,  old people play it, young people play it, and even those people that live across the street play it. All you have to do to start the game is to accuse someone with different ideology, background, or fingerprint of not being an American.

It goes like this:

You’re not even American!

Just saying that is UN-AMERICAN so that means you’re not even American!!

Oh yea?? Well I’m 1/8 Native American

Oh yea?? Well I’m a firefighter and I have a pet bald eagle!

Oh yea?? Well I’m a Marine and I’m a direct descendent of George Washington!!

Oh yea? Well EVERYONE in my family including my 5 year old sister is a Marine AND I have 6 kbillion American flags at home”

Oh yea???

YEAHHH

WELL I SING THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER IN THE SHOWER

WELL I’M A NAVY SEAL!!!

YOU’RE A LIAR!! THERE ARE NO FEMALE NAVY SEALS!!!!!!!!!

WELL I’M SOO AMERICAN THAT I BECAME ONE!

WELLLLLLLLLL I’M SOOOOOOOOOO AMERICAN THAT I’M ENGLISH!!!!

. . . .

oh shoot. I meant like my ancestors came from England on the Mayflower . .

Nope . .

Soo that means I’m like a super American because I’m English . .

Nope . .

. . . . damn . . .

I WINNN! NOW GET OUT MY COUNTRY!

This game is awesome and I encourage all to play!

Not American-o?

NO PROBLEM-O. Try the cool spin-off game “God hates you, so go die!”. This game is very fun to play with people who have different religions or a different sexual orientation. Moreover, this game is suitable for ALL age groups so you can even play with children. Because why not?? It will teach them very important life values or something.

Happy playing!

Challenge status (what’s this about?): DAY 23

Y U NO GET UR OWN Y FI?

Did you guys know that Kevin is gay?

It’s okay, I didn’t either.

Until I decided I needed to use the internet in the middle of the park and began scouting for wifi to steal.  I did not find any steal-able wifi.

Instead I found myself on an adventure as a wifi name collector and began actively searching for a network I can use name I can find amusing.

Some were kinda of lame-o.

Hahaha nowhere wifi? Wifi nowhere? There is nowhere wifi here? I’m now NOT connected to nowhere.YOU MUST BE REAL CLEVER!!!!

Others seemed more like an inside joke:

While one opened my eyes to the true reality of this world.

Yes, the noisy people that live upstairs were actually monsters. That means that the noisy people downstairs are fairies, probably.

And then there was this. . .

Thank you Pussy Breath for allowing me to post on my blog today.

Challenge status (what’s this about?): DAY 22

The Life of a Non-Winner

I’m a non-winner.

I’m not a loser exactly, I just don’t win. I guess that means I’m just a whatever.

Sometimes that sucks, because never winning a real award is not really good for the ego. Which is why I made a blog, there are no awards! I can just pretend I’m a winner! It’s the perfect environment for me!

Dear Squareflea,

Hahaha.

-Wordpress

I was barely a day into the blogging universe when I realized that a bunch of people had a bunch of awards made up by some person nominating a bunch of people to get a bunch of awards. But that’s okay, they weren’t real awards right? RIGHT?? So I ignored them and continued to live in my award-free blogiverse.

Dear Squareflea,

Hahaha.

NO

-Wordpress

Did you guys know that Freshly Pressed . . .(breathes) . . .

. . .THAT FRESHLY PRESSED IS AN AWARD??? APPARENTLY???

I thought those things were just things that people paid for to put their things on that page, not an award thing!

First of all, great job WordPress on coming up with such an aaammmaaazzziiinnngggglllyyy creative award name. Yeaaa hurray for you!!

And guess what?

I don’t care about your stupid award. Freshly Pressed blogs?? I don’t even freshly press my clothes!! Besides I want my words and my post to be free not constrained by a pressing thing!!

(Ok I just realized that maybe they were referring to a printing press and not clothing but really that’s stupid because this stuff is all digital. Also I’m pretending I didn’t realize that.)

Heck I don’t even iron my clothes. If they’re wrinkly I just use the who needs an iron I have a hand tool to get rid of them. Apparently my hand is a magical anti-wrinkle tool.

So since you (WordPress) seem(s) to think that everyone not on that page has wrinkly post, I would like to award every blogger who blogs on this thing with an award of my own.

I hereby present you all with a who needs an iron I have a hand and we can use Febreeze for freshness nobody even cares about awards anyway nanana pooopoooo Award.

Congrats to all the winners.

Challenge status (what’s this about?): DAY 21

And the Thought Jumped Over my Head . . .

Today I thought of something brilliant. Brilliant and funny. Seriously guys, it was so good I couldn’t believe I made it up. And then my brain showed me how awesome it was by making it even brillianter. Oh God it was so funny.

Especially since I was in the shower.

Especially since that place has no place to write on.

Also I discovered that writing on a foggy mirror doesn’t stay on long. That’s science folks!

So here I am admitting that I can’t remember anything. There was something about an octopus and he sang ironic Christmas songs.

I CAN’T REMEMBER IT!

This is basically what happened:

I feel like I have let down the world by forgetting my brilliant and hilarious thought.

Maybe that thought was gonna save the world (the world)! Maybe when I posted it people would have loved it so much they would be like “hey guys! No more war and hate and stuff ok?”. And then we could have all sat around the campfire (all 7 billion of us) and sang Barney’s “I Love You” song (because Kumbaya is too mainstream). There would be happiness and free ice cream! And the octomom would actually be an octopus and her kids would have a more caring mother instead.

But none of this is happening.

Because I don’t remember.

Because that thought jumped over my head and probably the moon too. That’s how gone it is.

I’m sorry everyone.

Challenge status (what’s this about?): DAY 20

I’m Not Funny.

Let’s get this straight.

I’m not funny, like a funny bunny.

I wish I was but alas no.

I also wish I can talk to trees. Then I remember that there are no good trees in this world anymore.

I feel the need to clarify this (the “not funny” thing not the “bad tree” thing) because I feel like I’m being given credit that I don’t deserve. I also feel that if aliens do make contact with us, I should be earth’s ambassador to their planet. Moreover, I feel the love tonight.

Funny is an art, it requires skill and talent. Like comedians for example. They’re all like, yo listen to this joke son! And the audience is like, wow and hhahahahaha. And then Hitler.

Funny (according to google images):

I do something else. Something that requires no skill at all. It’s called random absurdity.

Notice how I say that like its a real thing? Look I got diagnosed with random absurdity! I should be a doctor! But really I just made that up and that’s cool I guess.

Sometimes it’s funny, but most of the time it’s just  . .just. . .very purple foldery. Like this purple folder that I have where I keep my old exams. And in that folder there is a sheet of paper listing a whole bunch of phone numbers. I have no idea who’s numbers they are but I still call them. And that, is a perfect description of my “funny”.

So you should all stick with me because when random absurdity becomes a movement and I rule the world I will acknowledge you all as my bosom booger mates (the highest friendship status that can be achieved with the leader of the random absurd world).

I would also like to point out that I’m very honest by keeping true to the title and keeping it all unfunny.

Stay random,

The Square Flea

Challenge status (what’s this about?): DAY 19

Sometimes I’m so Brilliant that I Lose Arguments

Did you ever have one of those moments when you’re arguing with someone and then you make a very weak statement and they can’t think of anything to counter it?

And then you’re like wow this statement has so much holes its holy, all you gotta to do is sneeze to prove it wrong.

And the other person doesn’t say anything because you said that in you head. Also, the person doesn’t say anything because he’s probably a fart brain.

So you sit there thinking about all these brilliant points to prove you wrong. And the person still doesn’t say a thing.

AND then you think of this fantastic metaphor that definitely proves you wrong and a bunch article you read that prove you wrong.

So you open your mouth

and you say it

and you win the other persons argument for them

and you lose the argument for you.

Yes that just happened.

I’m far too brilliant for myself sometimes.

Challenge status (what’s this about?): DAY 18