Things That I Do (That Annoy Others)

I’m going to be honest with you here because we can’t start a relationship on lies. I do these things not to purposely annoy the people around me but because it is in my nature and I have no control over it. If I could I would stop myself but this is way out of my hands. REALLY.

1) I talk like I’m high

I’m going to say this right now, I don’t do drugs. I never did and never will. I say NO to drugs. Got it?

Yes, we got it.

Yet somehow sugar (and sometimes protein, carbohydrates, and even water) effect me in the same way drugs may effect a normal person. This leads to much crazy laughter and phrases that make no sense at all. The basic scientific explanation for all this is that the stuffs in my brains are no bueno. Think major black holes in the cranium. These circumstances give birth to the following:

The cheese did it!!

I only drink when I’m drunk.

Sometimes I think like a narwhal.

I have 5 unicorns.

Do you like my pink finger?

Lets all just have some caramel.

*Laughs Hysterically*

Lets have narwhal with drunk goat cheese when the caramel comes.

This is why many people think I’m crazy, but I think its just because they don’t know how to have fun.

2) I sing when conversations get silent

Whoever said “silence is golden” is a lair. Silence represents death, Nazis and kitty suicides. Civilization would have never existed if everyone was silent and yet people embrace as if it were a positive thing. Silence is torture and I hate it. I rather you curse, yell, complain, or yodel at me than say nothing at all. Obviously all of these statements are false when I am suffering from a headache, obviously.

SHUT UP!! I have four and a half headaches!!!

So when a conversation gets silent or awkward and I have no idea what to say, instead of taking a hint and realizing that the chatting has come to an end . . . I think of it as a new beginning.

And so to battle off the silence, I sing.

Consider this totally made up scenario:

HIM:  The whole place burnt down, its terrible.

ME:     Oh wow, I can’t believe it!!

HIM:   Yeah.

ME:     Just terrible.

<SILENCE>

ME:      (quietly singing) and the games you play, you would always win, always win.

HIM:    What? You say something?

ME:       . . . . .But I set FIIIRRREEE to the rain. . .

WATCH IT BURN AS I CRY

3) Give well known sayings a corny makeover

This one is pretty self -explanatory and always guarantees an eye roll.

His right brain doesn’t know what his left brain is doing.

Every thug has his day.

That which doesn’t fill you only serves to make you drink more water.

You can lead a boy to the library but you cant make him think.

And of course my personal favorite:

Should anyone here present need to use the bathroom . . .

. . .Please GO NOW . . .

. . .Or forever hold your PEE.

Yeah well I’m actually very proud of that one.

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