Incompetent Writing Can Be Highly Entertaining

The statements below are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers attempted to explain the accident.

They made me laugh and I hope they make you laugh too, or at least chuckle quietly. Grinning is fine too. Otherwise you have no sense of humor and you need to lighten up. Unless your dog died today then its okay. I’m sorry for your loss.

So without any further ado:

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intentions.

I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed though my windshield into my wife’s face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the edge of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into the telephone pole.

I has been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. Continue reading

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You Probably Have Stomach Cancer.

Hello all.

Today I come to you as a survivor of a mysterious bout of stomach pain. The pain attacked me out of the blue and made me cry and whine like a three year old, or a really old car. It also hurt a lot, which was to be  expected since that is what pain is known to do. I don’t deal well with pain, at all. I’m also a firm believer of “the eye for an eye” ideology. This means that if I’m in miserable pain then you can bet your last Mohican that you will be as well.

Does this make me a bad person? Probably.

So how exactly do I put everyone around me in equal misery? Do I stab their face? Eat their chocolate?  Take away their human rights??

The answer is much simpler and marginally less violent; I simply let everyone around me know exactly what type of pain I’m experiencing. At first it might not seem so bad and I might even get a dash or two of sympathy. In fact, most people assume that I do this because I somehow think that they are doctors and that I want them to diagnose my malady. I am not stupid. I know you are not a doctor unless you have a stethoscope.

Besides I already know I have stomach cancer.  My fate has already been decided and I am going to have to accept it. All pains and aches in my body can only mean one thing; cancer. Sometimes pain in the body can also mean a heart attack, but not in this case because you can’t have a heart attack in your stomach (I think).

Anyway, as I whined and complained  to the handful of people that actually admit to know me I realized how difficult it was to explain the pain. How could I possibly put everyone around me in equal misery if I could not describe/whine about what I was suffering in increment details? My whines were meant to become sharp weapons of pain attacking the ears of the unwary but instead they were weak, and kinda bouncy.

How can I possibly sharpen those dull edges? With creative descriptions that actually make no sense but sound dramatically and unrealistically painful of course!

So I made a helpful guide to help creatively describe the aches, pains, and strange noises in your stomach. With pictures!

You’re welcome people.

BEHOLD:

There are Oompaa Loompa’s in my stomach.

Continue reading

I Wish I Had a Camera

It was one of those times again where I wish I had a camera. I wish I could capture the beautiful imagery in front of me. I wish I can show it to the world.

I wish I was an artist who can transform this keyboard into a pallet and create words that can capture colors and textures. Then I wish those words would turn into a film, with amazing special effects and  HD quality. So good your mind will make popcorn with extra butter for you to enjoy. Or perhaps nachos with salsa if that’s what you prefer.

But it shouldn’t matter because you will be too busy enjoying the view. The sunlight is bright, even through the dusty window, and it sends a small shaft of light into the room. It is reflected on the dust particles floating around. They look like glitter. Dancing glitter. Can a camera capture that? Probably the really good ones. The really expensive ones. I should probably save up.

I think about the old tin can on my closet shelf. It holds forty dollars and twenty cents, old money I never looked at or used. I wonder how they would look in this bright but faded sunlight. I wonder if the old dust would play with new or if it would be too weighted down by time to float and dance like the glitter.

I wonder if all my childhood dreams are trapped within the folds of the faded bills. Perhaps they sleep in the groves of the carved coins. Here’s one by Abraham Lincoln’s beard, settled and relaxed in the penny. I wonder if they know that they are forgotten. Should I let them go? Unfold them one by one and let them dance with the glitter. Maybe then something magical might happen and the faded February sun might merge with the forgotten dreams and the dust would link them together. Dancing back and forth until they live once again.

Their essence would be released and I would absorb it with my pores, like a sponge. Hungry lovely parasites that will feed off my brain, vampires that suck life to survive.

But you can’t see that, all you can see is the sunlight and the dust. Or at least you would if I had a camera. I should probably save up.

The is No Rhyme or Reason to What I Do

When I first decided on writing a blog I spent weeks trying to figure out what to write about. It’s not because I didn’t have any ideas on what to write about, it’s because I had too much to write about. I had no theme. What should my theme be? Bad humor with badly drawn pictures? Poetry? Photography? Songs? A deep analysis of My Little Ponies series?

Then I realized: I CAN WRITE ABOUT WHATEVER DAMN THING I WANT !!

There is no blog police (I hope), there doesn’t have to be a theme, it doesn’t even have to make sense! Let there be CHAOS!! There is no authority! Nobody I have to listen to to! Ann Archie is here to be random and rule defying.

Random person on the street: Do you have a blog?

Me: Why yes I do!

Random person on the street: Oh cool, what’s it about?

Me: . . .

Me:. . . . purple cheesecake, zookeepers, seriousness, and hair extensions

Random person on the street: . . . .

Me:  fitness, beards, camera, dust, row row row your boat gently down the stream

Random person on the street: so it’s like humor?

Me: FUNERALS, NAZIS, HICCUPS, WORM PEOPLE WHO EAT YOUR CHILDREN!

Random person on the street: . . . .

*runs*

EXAMPLES Continue reading

Lies and Propaganda and How I Wanted to Become a Zookeeper

Today I  watched the morning  news.

I  never watch the morning news. I have far more important things to do, like sleep. But today something has changed within me, witnessing the morning news has really open my eyes to what’s important. No longer shall I wallow in ignorance, for I have now tasted the sweet nectar of knowledge. I know now that nothing is as important as the voice and opinion of the people and no place is better at giving it than the morning news. I no longer have to venture through the dangerous streets of the internet searching for comments to read. No longer must I completely skip a news article or a video to read the mind inspiring comments below.  I have found a new power source and it all starting with this life changing news story. . .

I learned many things at the moment. First, I was not aware that one must dress up, all fancy like, to enjoy what Target had to offer. Continue reading