You Probably Have Stomach Cancer.

Hello all.

Today I come to you as a survivor of a mysterious bout of stomach pain. The pain attacked me out of the blue and made me cry and whine like a three year old, or a really old car. It also hurt a lot, which was to be  expected since that is what pain is known to do. I don’t deal well with pain, at all. I’m also a firm believer of “the eye for an eye” ideology. This means that if I’m in miserable pain then you can bet your last Mohican that you will be as well.

Does this make me a bad person? Probably.

So how exactly do I put everyone around me in equal misery? Do I stab their face? Eat their chocolate?  Take away their human rights??

The answer is much simpler and marginally less violent; I simply let everyone around me know exactly what type of pain I’m experiencing. At first it might not seem so bad and I might even get a dash or two of sympathy. In fact, most people assume that I do this because I somehow think that they are doctors and that I want them to diagnose my malady. I am not stupid. I know you are not a doctor unless you have a stethoscope.

Besides I already know I have stomach cancer.  My fate has already been decided and I am going to have to accept it. All pains and aches in my body can only mean one thing; cancer. Sometimes pain in the body can also mean a heart attack, but not in this case because you can’t have a heart attack in your stomach (I think).

Anyway, as I whined and complained  to the handful of people that actually admit to know me I realized how difficult it was to explain the pain. How could I possibly put everyone around me in equal misery if I could not describe/whine about what I was suffering in increment details? My whines were meant to become sharp weapons of pain attacking the ears of the unwary but instead they were weak, and kinda bouncy.

How can I possibly sharpen those dull edges? With creative descriptions that actually make no sense but sound dramatically and unrealistically painful of course!

So I made a helpful guide to help creatively describe the aches, pains, and strange noises in your stomach. With pictures!

You’re welcome people.


There are Oompaa Loompa’s in my stomach.

The are Oompaa Loompa’s running around with scissors in my stomach.

There are fire breathing Oompaa Loompa’s in my stomach.

That cheese I ate was probably expired.

I’m so hungry my stomach is digesting itself.

I’m constipated and I need to poop a truck, probably.

I’m constipated and I need to poop a truck, definitely.


You can even take them to the doctor’s to ensure a quick and accurate diagnosis. Using these nifty descriptions and the accompanying drawings you will no longer have to make multiple visits to the hospital to know what is wrong with you. The cutting edge lickity split technology found in my amazing descriptions and pictures combined with amazing doctor brain power will enable you to find your diagnosis pronto. You will save so much time and money! All thanks to me!

You can also have descriptions for other pains like headaches:

My brain opened a frozen yogurt theme park.

An elf is hammering pictures to my skull.


And that, ladies and gentlemen is how you turn something bad like trying to bring people to misery into a good thing that benefits society. Also it kind of sounds like an infomercial!

All it needs is. . .

CALL NOW and you’ll receive a free copy of my best selling tell all book:

You’re welcome and have a nice day.


One thought on “You Probably Have Stomach Cancer.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s