This is a Joke

Knock Knock!

Who’s there?

Nobody.

I hope that made you laugh.

Now here’s a bunch of  colorful squiggly lines.

Cheese and coconuts!

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Hey YOU! Where the Heck are You From?!?

One of the best things about having a blog is knowing that your posts are out there for the world to read and make fun of.

And that maybe, maybe some person thousands and thousands of miles away can actually read the contents of your brain that you threw up onto a “post” and laugh over the idea that you think you know how to write.

I think this is nifty. Moreover, I think this is grand.

I feel that somehow having someone read my  blog  makes it almost like I’m visiting them. Which might possibly make me a world traveler! So hurray for that new Views per Country thing WordPress added. It’s really nice of them to tell me where I’ve been.

But still, I feel like it’s not enough.

So now we have reached the core of the apple, the tip of the pizza (which is actually the center of the pizza pie), the main point of this post: I want all of you to (please) introduce yourself and tell me where you’re from. It would also be nice if you gave me your credit card number but its okay if you don’t.

I don’t care if your a long time follower (stalker) or someone whose cat accidentally clicked on my blog, just introduce yourself. A location and a random fact about you is all that is needed. Your cat can introduce itself too!

Here I’ll start it off.

Hi! I’m from the USA! Specifically the magnificent state of New Jersey which is well known for it’s rather pale population, excellent grammar, and its extremely intelligent Neuroscientists. Plus we have a beautiful shore so yeah. I love to start my sentences with an “and”. And I like to put my water bottle down upside-down-like when I set it on the table because I’m a bad ass rebel.

SO WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU FROM?!?

Adventures with Chad, a Memoir

Today marks the tenth and a half year anniversary since my pet Chad went missing. He was a true and wonderful friend and I thought I can commemorate his memory today by telling you the story of how I met him.

I was on my way home from school when I saw Chad just laying there on the ground looking abandoned and sad. Well actually, I saw him after my sister stepped on him and he was stuck on her shoe.

ME: What the heck is stuck on your shoe?

HER: Hmmm it looks like a leaf. . .

ME: Wow its such a pretty leaf! It looks like a green heart! Let’s take it home with us and make it a pet!

HER: Yea but mom says we can only have one pet and we already have my pet Lisa the hotdog AND we already have Walter the stick AND Mustafa the snail as secret pets.

ME: Well we don’t actually have Lisa anymore, I ate her yesterday. Besides who keeps a hotdog for a pet, that’s soooo ssttttuuuuppppid.

HER: It’s not stupid! It has the word dog in it so yes it is a pet!! LEAF PETS ARE STUPID.

ME: YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!! You’re face is stupid!

HER: Oh yeah? Well your soul is stupid!! And I’m gonna eat this stupid leaf just like you ate Lisa!!

ME: NO you can’t eat CHAD! That’s cruel and you can get cancer or cellular devastation if you eat leaves!

HER: Really?

ME: Yes and you will die.

HER: Like Lisa who’s dead now! *cries*

ME: You are the stupidest stupid person in this stupid world full of stupid people doing stupid things! Lisa was already dead meat when we bought her!

HER: You’re face is a stupid piece of dead meat! Its the stupidest piece of dead stupid meat it’s SO STUPID.

[The stupid exchange continues until we finally get home]

HER: Fine you can keep Chad under two conditions. . .

Then just like that I was able to keep Chad. We had a wonderful two days together. We went on walks, took baths together, and I got to draw on his face.

AND THEN HE WENT MISSING.

And I knew exactly who took him.

I had to do everyone’s chores for a month after I decapitated all my sisters barbies and tried to flush them down the toilet. I also put gum in her hair but I didn’t get in trouble for that because everyone just thought my sister did that to herself accidentally. All and all, it was all worth it. I had avenged Chad’s death (disappearance) while proving that I may have the potential to be an evil genius.

Oh and if anyone happens to see Chad can they please let him know I miss him and I wish he would come back home.

It ain’t over till the fat lady sin(g)(k)s?

Ladies and gentlemen, today I have made a startling discovery that has completely changed my life around. You see, all my life I have been saying “it ain’t over until the fat lady sinks” when it is actually “it ain’t over until the fat lady sings“. For those of you who were on the same boat and thought that the fat lady fell over and sunk, I have come to inform you that the fat lady was never at risk for drowning. In fact she was at the karaoke, singing.

But let it be known that I am not here to admit defeat, rather this is a draft of rebellion. I have come to unite all my sinkers against the tyrant rule of the singers. For those of you who are neutral on this issue, I ask you to please consider the sinking side.

But why?

Nobody would ever want to be on the sinking side.

The answer is very straightforward

I mean think about it -it aint over till the fat lady sings- what does that even MEAN? It doesn’t even make sense. What does singing have to do with something being over?

According to the internet,  it references a certain opera where a certain fat lady sings at the end.You know what I’m talking about, the buxom woman with the horned helmet, spear, and shield who’s voice may or may not break  glass.  So I guess it makes sense if you really think about it.

. . .

Not really.

NO.

Sinking makes much more sense. The end is death, the fat lady isn’t dead until she sinks and suffocates in whatever she in sinking in.

I wanted to draw you all a picture to demonstrate that effect except they never say what she is sinking in. I would ask them, if I knew who they were. So I’m sure it would be just fine to assume anything we wish.

She can be sinking in water.

She can be sinking in glue, or chocolate, or gold coins.

She can sinking in air, because air is a fluid too.

But nobody dies by drowning in air!!*

And so now we have reached the ultimate reason of why you should join the sinking side; you can have extended metaphors!

air- never sink- never over

dead sea -never sink- never over

cupcakes- maybe sink- very yummy

happiness- definitely sink- maybe over but you’re happy so stop complaining

Consider this:

Motivational speaker guy: They say it ain’t over until the fat lady sinks but I say she is in air so she will never sink. It will NEVER be over! We will prevail!!

Compared to this:

Sorry excuse for a motivational speaker guy: They say say it ain’t over until the fat lady sings. So somebody duct tape her mouth shut! And surgically remove her vocal cords! It will NEVER be over! We will prevail!!

See how demeaning and violent the singing side is? I rest my case.

See you all in the quicksand.

*Please note that “sinking in air” does not mean the same thing as falling off a cliff and dying. It simply means being completely covered by air, like when your standing, or sitting, or sleeping, and you cannot die from it. Well you can but it wouldn’t be the air’s fault. It would be YOUR fault or rather the fault of guy choking you.

Think about that and have  a nice day!

It’s Adventure Time! Two Minutes in My Head.

This is probably a terrible idea but I’m going to just write everything that crosses my mind in the next two minutes. Or what I think is two minutes.

This is a bad idea.

There is a vacuum in my head. I mean I’ve gone completely blank. Scumbag brain! I usually have a battlefield of thoughts in there but today when I actually want to write my thoughts down they commit mass suicide. How can I think of nothing? That’s not even possible. Except with that thing where you think nothing and everyone is like wow dude that’s amazing. It’s kind of like meditation but not really. Or enlightenment! I saw a video about that before, when this lady had a stroke and she was like I reached enlightenment! It’s like thinking of everything and nothing at the same time. Like you have a thousand billion thoughts in your brain but they’re all wearing invisibility cloaks. So they’re all there but not really. I’ve reached nirvana!?!

No. No, I didn’t.

I’m just going to think of flowers. I really like flowers, especially lilies and roses. Like a whole field of them and then I can run through a field of flowers like a corny movie and everyone will say look that that beautiful girl and her pet dinosaur. And then I’ll get on his back and we can fly over the field of roses since he is that type of dinosaur that flies. The one with the wings, I forget their name. Then we can have a barbeque and I’ll eat a cheeseburger. Maybe there will be a cat. No, wait there is a cat and she’s birdisaurus’ wife. And look! There are their children. A rare breed of catobirdisaurus, isn’t that just grand! Especially since they breathe fire and that unicorn keeps cooking all the burgers super rare. Bastard. Unicorns are nifty and all but they are terrible cooks. There was definitely a lemon in that cheese burger. Dragons are the best cooks. Too bad they are not real.

Wouldn’t it be cool if there was a slide all around the world? Like one big slide and then you go on and visit all the countries as you’re sliding by. Also there would be a rule that as you slide by the natives of the corresponding country must give you food. Maybe a massage too. Although that won’t be possible since you’re sliding and there is no way they can give you a massage that quick. Otherwise it’s a pretty good idea. Realistically they can just wave and cheer you on like you’re running a marathon, but you’re not.

Still a massage would be nice. This thing is getting to long and I don’t how to end it.

Here is a haiku:

I like cheese okay

I forgot how to write haiku

This is definitly wrong, I will google

it

Have a nice life everybody.

How to Make Purple Cheesecake for Pi Day!

This is that awkward introduction that people have to give before showing you the recipe. I mean everyone knows that your going to give them a recipe, they don’t want to hear about your life story and the history of the food. And the intro is always so long! They have so many exclamation points and parenthesis (like they are telling you some kind of secret).

But really, nobody reads that thing.

Even if there are five exclamation points, parenthesis, and bold lettering.  I just scroll down to the yummy pictures and the ingredient list. Because that’s why I clicked on the damn thing.

Anyway this recipe is a traditional recipe that I got  from my grandmother who was a dragon slayer. As she was searching through the meadows for dragons one day, she found a plate with a slice of purple cheesecake on the ground. Since she didn’t have her daily snack of troll meat with mushrooms (follow the blog for a recipe on this soon) she was very hungry. So she ate the purple cheesecake and died. And that’s how the tradition was born! This is a classy recipe for classy people watching classy movies! It fun to make and to eat! It can also be wrapped up and given as a present to your non-significant other! (stay tuned to the end of the blog so see how!)

How can you stay tuned to a blog? It’s not television!  Shut up and leave my English alone.

What does this have to do with Pi day? Absolutely nothing!

How to Make Purple Cheesecake:

1) Buy cheesecake.

I bought mine from Shop Rite for $11.35. You may buy it from another store at a cheaper price. Go ahead, you have my permission. Continue reading