Sometimes You Just Gotta Yell at Bathtubs

There was a time in my life where I was too terrified to enter a bathroom. Not because bathrooms were nasty and smelled bad but because faucets, sinks, toilets, and bathtubs.

MOM: faucets, sinks, toilets, and bathtubs?

ME: Yes, they’re scary!

MOM: How are they scary?

ME: Well didn’t you ever think, while sitting on the toilet, what if this toilet needs to talk? And what if it needs to say “onwards march” and then it accidentally swallows you and you drown in the dirty water.

MOM: Toilets don’t talk, now go take your bath.

ME: I can’t! I might anger it and then it will start yelling and the drain will open up and I’ll die.

MOM: That’s not going to happen. Now GO.

ME: You don’t even care about me! Your daughter is going to get eaten by a bathtub and you don’t even care.

MOM: GO. TAKE. YOUR. BATH. RIGHT. NOW.

Did you ever try to take a bath while being ridiculously terrified of a bathtub?

I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy. You sit there for a while anxiously waiting for a deep voice to say “I’m a bathtub and I will now say onwards march because the word onwards makes me go ‘OHH’ and that opens the drain real wide and then you will fall in it and drown in the dirty water.” Except I will die way before he even finishes that statement because he would have already said onwards march. It was a suicide mission basically.

So I developed a safe bathing technique called you-think-I’m-taking-a-bath-but-it’s just-the-water-running.

But then I started to smell bad.

So I decided to confront my fears straight on.

And not once did that bathtub speak.

NOT ONCE.

Challenge status (what’s this about?): DAY 25

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