It’s absolutely alright to kill a flying cockroach

It’s absolutely alright to kill a flying cockroach because those things deserve no compassion.

cockroaches + flying = terrible

We can all agree that terrible is a terrible thing  and that terrible needs to go away. So by killing a flying cockroach you make the world a much better place.

Someone who has clearly never been attacked by a flying cockroach: But flying cockroaches have feelings too!

Me: No. No, they don’t.

In fact, there is NOTHING you can do to a flying cockroach to make me feel bad about mushing it.

That’s a purple cockroach with rainbow wings and a “I Love You” sign.

I will still kill that thing.

Even if it was pooping out hearts and flowers.

Even if it knew where the unicorns are.

Why?

Because when I was a young 10 year old I was attacked by a flying cockroach and I didn’t know what to do. Obviously this was a traumatizing experience, however,  today I decided relive that trauma to help you with any future flying roaches that come your way. All you have to do is follow these steps:

1) Upon spotting the flying cockroach scream. Then run away while shaking your hair and swatting the air violently.

2) Call someone for help and make THEM kill it.

911 operator: What seems to be the problem?

ME: There is a FLYING COCKROACH IN MY ROOM!

911 operator: Then you will have to call an exterminator, I cant help you with that . .

ME: Yes you can! COME KILL IT!!

3) When the person says “NO” because they’re somewhere stupid like work (thanks mom and dad), gather the ammunition.

“These boots are made for squashing, and that’s just what they’ll do . . ”

4) Slowly approach the roach’s flying zone.

5) Yell motivational sayings and reasons why you are NOT afraid of that roach.

I’m bigger than you! I’m like very tall too!

I WILL MUSH YOU!!!!

I don’t even care if you fly into my mouth because that won’t kill me probably. Also I have a plastic bag over my head so you can’t fly into my mouth anyway!!

DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!

I’m NOT SCARED OF YOU!! I’m the tallest girl in my school!!

Oooohh whatcha gonna do? Fly at me?!?!?!?

6) ATTACK AND MUSH THAT MOTHERCLUCKER!!

Congratulations, you have made the world a slightly better place.

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2 thoughts on “It’s absolutely alright to kill a flying cockroach

  1. Omg. There’s a flying roach in my room and I don’t know where it is!!! I told ny mom to come kill it, but she said “Get the roach spray!” So I did, and grabbed my 5 year-old sister too. I was telling her to look under there and over there, she was brave! Since she didn’t see one, (plus the closet) I thought it was safe to spray. So now, I’m on my phone, typeing this, with the lights on, under my covers.

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