Where I discover that I don’t know how to be a sellout

Yesterday, I decided to become a sellout to get more views on my blog and become rich and famous.

Wait.

That wasn’t yesterday . . . that was 8 days ago!!

Damn time machine. I thought I turned it off.

In other news, I don’t know how to be a sellout.

First I was like my sellout idea is great! I will be rich and people won’t like me! Then I was like eww do I really want to be a Snookie? And then I was like yeahhhh I doo! Afterwards I wondered if sellout is one word  or two. Then I googled it. Somehow I ended up in a royal Persian cat selling site and so here we are, 8 days later.

Did you know that if you don’t write anything for 8 days you get something called ZERO views?

Did you know Mt Everest is located in Nepal?

Did you know my time machine goes only forwards and not back except for that time that I banged my head and thought I was 4?

Did you know that the are 3 royal Persian kittens available as of 6 days ago?

Hitler Cat? Is that you?

I just can’t make this up people.

Back to the topic at hand (Ha like there is one), I need to change my tune to become more popular. So I decided (another one of my decisions oh boy!) that I will mimic the most popular website ever!

 

GOOGLE.COM!!

I have to become a search engine!

Just type your searches in the comment section and I will google them and get back to you!

. . .

Somehow I don’t think this will make me popular, or make me any money.

Let try this again:

I HAVE NAKED PICTURES OF EVERY CELEBRITY IN THE WORLD, THAT’S RIGHT EVEN THE GUY WHO SAYS THAT ONE WORD IN THAT ONE FILM. IF I GET 100000000 LIKES BY TOMORROW I WILL POST THEM AND SUCH.

I need money

Sometimes I ask myself “what the hell are you doing?”, other times I don’t ask myself anything. Sometimes I drink water.

In other news . . .

I need money!  Because student loans are all like give me money! And I’m like chill dudes, it’s okay! I can get the money!

Except I have a serious problem, it’s called I don’t know how to rob a bank without getting caught and loans need money and my  job is like here’s 50 cents!

So I’m going to try to get money off this blog.  . . I’m going to be a sell out.

Look, after getting another shift of work I no longer have time to write for my enjoyment, I have resolved to become the Kim Kardashian and Snookie of the blog world. Yes, I might become orange, obtain a pornilicious bum, and probably be the most hated person in the world but I will be rich dammit!

In order to do that I need more than 5 views a day soooo I’m going to be a sell out. My intention will no longer be to write for me but to write for the views. That’s right! And if you have a problem with that then you can rant about it on your blog and make sure there is a direct link to mine.

AND DON’T TRY TO CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE BECAUSE I’M NOT LISTENING!!
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WANTING TO BE FAMOUS AND RICH!

PLEASE LIKE ME!!!! PLEASE!

Okay, goodnight everyone.

Hey I Just Met You

If my home had a slogan it would be “Home of the broken AC, since 2004”.

Now some of you might not know this, but its summertime. And believe it or not, it can be very hot during this thing called summer. Which makes my home a very undesirable place, unless you’re bacteria.

This leaves me with one other place where I can spend my day: work.

If my workplace had a slogan it would be “Hey we have working AC! And we have lots of work, so do it! LOL”

So after a week of ridiculous amount of work  fun, I decided bye everybody I’m going to the beach. It was a great plan, because there was no planing involved. Just up and went with a couple of friends. Two hour car ride with the radio blasting and all those wonderful catchy songs getting stuck in your head. All those catchy songs getting stuck in your head like that sticky fly trap thing.

All those catchy song getting stuck in your head.

BEACH HIGHLIGHTS!!

  1. the sand is very very hot
  2. the air was very hot
  3. I was very hot
  4. I turned a very attractive red color
  5. that color is now a very attractive orange brown
  6. I discovered the crossing out words feature. Thanks WordPress!
  7. 4 people have already died at that beach this year
  8. I went in that water like I was immortal and death couldn’t get me
  9. Also I can’t swim
  10. Also I was like uh oh my feet can’t touch the ground anymore
  11. Also I can’t swim
  12. Then I saw this guy and was like Hey!
  13. And he was like are you ok?
  14. and I was like I’m fine!
  15. and he was like do you need a little help?
  16. and I was like maybe .. .probably . . also I can’t swim
  17. and he was like I’m coming!

Now if any normal person out there was just saved from drowning they would be thinking Wow I almost died and that guy saved me! Thanks guy! Imagine if I died? I should have finished that tub of ice cream, you cant gain weight if you’re dead! I’ll finish it anyway to celebrate the continuation of my life!

But all I could think was Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy but I can’t swim. So save me, maybe?

and it kept going: Before you came into my life I going to drown, I was going to drown, I was going to drown drown.

and it didn’t go away:

Hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but you cut me off

so I’ll kill you, maybe?

and I couldn’t stop:

Hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but there is sand in my butt

so I’ll flash you, maybe?

So yea I almost died this weekend. I was in death’s clutches and all that.