I don’t care about your pocket full of posies (ashes, ashes, all fall down)

Hello everyone, I just want to congratulate you all on reading a title that I made up randomly because I’m weird.

Now let’s talk about chicken.

In about 2 days I’m going to roast a whole chicken and then I’m going to eat it. Afterwards I will watch tv while eating ice cream. This is called Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is an American holiday commemorating everyone’s love of turkeys and cranberries and pumpkin pie. Basically what happened was that long time ago, like 40 years ago, after the dinosaurs died there was a shortage of food and everyone was happy. Then no one was happy. Then everyone got depressed. Then for some reason somebody thought that the depression was awesome so the called it the Great!! Depression!
Some time passes, like 5 years, and someone finds a turkey. They cook it and eat.

Some more time passes, like 2 years later, someone finds a pumpkin. They pie it and eat.

Then Abraham Lincoln gets shot in a theater. Guess what? There were cranberries in that theater. Someone finds them and eats them.

And that’s how thanksgiving was discovered by Christopher Columbus.

Now the real funny part is I hate turkey, therefore chicken.

This is called irony. It is also called badly written made up stuff.

*This post does not contain any pictures because I’m lazy.

The elections and stuff

Politics are cool!

There is nothing I enjoy more than discussing politics, except maybe discussing politics on Facebook.  Believe it or not, I used to hate everybody who always  facebook raped me  posted  their political views. Here were all my friends having intelligent in depth political debates while I was all like “look, I’m eating a bagel”. I mean I do have a political opinion but I just never saw the need to advertise it.

This year, it all changed.

THE SQUARE FLEA GOES POLITICAL. coming fall2012

That’s right people, get excited. I realized that I can force people to listen to something they don’t want to listen to by forcing them to listen. It’s like a paradox or something. So I started commenting on some of my friends political statuses, taking the opposite side of course:

YOU’ RE OBVIOUSLY A NAZI TERRORIST IRANIAN PIRATE WHO HATES AMERICAAA.

HOW STUPID ARE YOU? OR DO YOU JUST HATE AMERICA THAT MUCH?!?!?!

That worked out great!

I got blocked. That’s nice.

Then I realized that I was missing something . . .apparently there is an etiquette that must be used when violently disagreeing with a Facebook friend. It’s called the I’m going to insult you but put on so much hearts, smiley faces, and compliments that you won’t notice, but you will notice because I’m obviously calling you a dumbass technique.

Behold:

-I have to respectfully disagree 🙂  just because Romney loves cheese, doesn’t make him the best choice for America.

-That’s fine 😀 but I don’t get how you don’t see that Obama actually stopped cancer by winking at someone who had it . I mean it’s on the news.

-You probably have a low brain cell count, it’s cute 😉 It’s probably why I love you so much ❤

-I know you love Romney but he’s a stupid lying idiot who probably doesn’t know how to add and anyone who votes for him is stupid. Love youuuu 😉

-Obama is aMuslim socialist trying to destroy the American dream, can’t believe you support that idiot who hates the USA. btw the earrings you had on today were sooo pretttyy ❤

Eventually I realized that I don’t only have to comment on other people’s statuses, I can write my own politically charged status. And I can support whoever I want!!

“We built it!” – The Republicans
“Yes we can!” – The Democrats
“Can we build it? Yes we can!” – Bob the Builder
BOB THE BUILDER 2012

BOOM!!

Success! I mean who wouldn’t support a candidate like that? Especially when the campaign slogan is BOOM!

BOB THE BUILDER. BOOM!

Kids are Ruining My Life

When you hang around kids a lot strange things happen to your brain. Like for example your brain dies.

Also your brain turns into a children’s entertainment center. That’s nice.

Today I found myself singing Bingo was his name-o out loud during my economics class. That definitely earned  me +5 cool points.

Which is nice.

What’s nicer is that I’m not even a mother. I’m a part time babysitter. And I’m terrified. I’m terrified that one day I will wake up to find my blog transformed into one of those mommy blogs where I complain about “my” kids.

So you have that to look forward to.

That’s nice.

Then there is the part where I start acting like a kid once the actual kid is out of the equation It’s like there is no reason for me to be an adult if I don’t have to.

Bye bye Adulthood Case Study:

1) If I say  “see you later alligator” you MUST reply with “in a while crocodile” or else I will throw a tantrum.

2) I don’t like vegetables any more.

3) Did you know that eating lots of candy causes your teeth to rot and develop cavities? Yea, I don’t care.

4) “Please have the financial report on my desk by Thursday.”

“No! I don’t want to! You’re not the boss of me!”

“Actually I am.” Said my boss as he fired  me.

Things like this really make wonder why on earth I decided to be a babysitter, then I remember; I do it for money my love of children.

Hey I Just Met You

If my home had a slogan it would be “Home of the broken AC, since 2004”.

Now some of you might not know this, but its summertime. And believe it or not, it can be very hot during this thing called summer. Which makes my home a very undesirable place, unless you’re bacteria.

This leaves me with one other place where I can spend my day: work.

If my workplace had a slogan it would be “Hey we have working AC! And we have lots of work, so do it! LOL”

So after a week of ridiculous amount of work  fun, I decided bye everybody I’m going to the beach. It was a great plan, because there was no planing involved. Just up and went with a couple of friends. Two hour car ride with the radio blasting and all those wonderful catchy songs getting stuck in your head. All those catchy songs getting stuck in your head like that sticky fly trap thing.

All those catchy song getting stuck in your head.

BEACH HIGHLIGHTS!!

  1. the sand is very very hot
  2. the air was very hot
  3. I was very hot
  4. I turned a very attractive red color
  5. that color is now a very attractive orange brown
  6. I discovered the crossing out words feature. Thanks WordPress!
  7. 4 people have already died at that beach this year
  8. I went in that water like I was immortal and death couldn’t get me
  9. Also I can’t swim
  10. Also I was like uh oh my feet can’t touch the ground anymore
  11. Also I can’t swim
  12. Then I saw this guy and was like Hey!
  13. And he was like are you ok?
  14. and I was like I’m fine!
  15. and he was like do you need a little help?
  16. and I was like maybe .. .probably . . also I can’t swim
  17. and he was like I’m coming!

Now if any normal person out there was just saved from drowning they would be thinking Wow I almost died and that guy saved me! Thanks guy! Imagine if I died? I should have finished that tub of ice cream, you cant gain weight if you’re dead! I’ll finish it anyway to celebrate the continuation of my life!

But all I could think was Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy but I can’t swim. So save me, maybe?

and it kept going: Before you came into my life I going to drown, I was going to drown, I was going to drown drown.

and it didn’t go away:

Hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but you cut me off

so I’ll kill you, maybe?

and I couldn’t stop:

Hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but there is sand in my butt

so I’ll flash you, maybe?

So yea I almost died this weekend. I was in death’s clutches and all that.

So I Wrote a Story?

Once upon a time there was a girl who was really excited to have her own blog and stuff. She was like I’m gonna write on this thing forever! (yo)

Once upon a time, she did

Then once upon a time more recent than that other once upon a time, she didn’t.

Then she got really lazy and was like maybe if I just think really hard, my thoughts will magically type themselves.

They didn’t.

Also she found out that magic markers actually didn’t have any magic in them.

She cried.

Then she sued.

Then she lost.

She cried again.

Then she found a prince.

Just kidding, she didn’t.

Then she was like I can just make up excuses about how busy and tired I am.

So she did.

Then there was a fairy godmother who was like, here is a kbillion dollars.

No, no there wasn’t.

“Wow! This is the best fairy tale/ story I have ever read!” Said no one ever.

THE END

Can’t Break The Chain

I’ve wanted to run a marathon for as long as I can remember, something about running for a long time without dying just really appeals to me. So for the past 5 years I trained for it by following a challenging workout routine.

Yes, I know my workout routine is very complicated but I’m one motivated girl! In the past 5 years I only skipped a day or two where I did not follow my routine and actually ran.

What can I say? I’m very commited.

Yet somehow, even today, I can’t run up the stairs without fainting and being rushed to the emergency room. My family was convinced that it is because my workout routine is terrible, something about heart, muscles, and breathing, whatever. When I told them how ridiculous that sounded they asked me to come up with a different reason as to why I couldn’t even shrug without wheezing. I told them I was possessed by the Korean demon of unmatharoning, psuiondin (obviously).

So then they made me banish it. That went really well, especially when I  realized the ceremony called for the burning of 5 $100 bills.

I got a real workout routine instead.

That was two months ago, and I still haven’t started it.

It’s not because I’m lazy or anything. In fact, it’s because of my extreme unlaziness.

You see, while consulting my personal advisor, google.com, I found an excellent motivation technique discovered by the legendary scholar of motivation himself, Jerry Seinfeld. Using complicated mathmatical algorithms, Seinfeld developed an excellent technique called print-out-a-calendar-and-mark-each-day-you-complete-your-task-with-a-big-X, also known as don’t break the chain.

It’s a great idea. People don’t like seeing visual inconsistancy so they become more commited to the task. They strive to get the X at the end of the day so they can show it to their mommies and hang it on the fridge. Also it’s kinda like that snake game . Maybe.

It’s a great idea.

For everyone but me.

It only took me a minute to realize that I can’t break the chain if I never start it. Helloo loophole.  And so, I ended up accidentally discovering my own technique called don’t start the chain, ever. I utilized the same psychology used in Seinfield’s method to encourage lack of motivation and laziness. It’s kinda of like reverse psychology but not really. Because its the same psychology, just a reverse method. Instead of keeping a chain of Xs, I keep a chain of blanks, and I haven’t broken that chain for 2 months.

 I’m that good.