I need money

Sometimes I ask myself “what the hell are you doing?”, other times I don’t ask myself anything. Sometimes I drink water.

In other news . . .

I need money!  Because student loans are all like give me money! And I’m like chill dudes, it’s okay! I can get the money!

Except I have a serious problem, it’s called I don’t know how to rob a bank without getting caught and loans need money and my  job is like here’s 50 cents!

So I’m going to try to get money off this blog.  . . I’m going to be a sell out.

Look, after getting another shift of work I no longer have time to write for my enjoyment, I have resolved to become the Kim Kardashian and Snookie of the blog world. Yes, I might become orange, obtain a pornilicious bum, and probably be the most hated person in the world but I will be rich dammit!

In order to do that I need more than 5 views a day soooo I’m going to be a sell out. My intention will no longer be to write for me but to write for the views. That’s right! And if you have a problem with that then you can rant about it on your blog and make sure there is a direct link to mine.

AND DON’T TRY TO CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE BECAUSE I’M NOT LISTENING!!
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WANTING TO BE FAMOUS AND RICH!

PLEASE LIKE ME!!!! PLEASE!

Okay, goodnight everyone.

I am the AMERICANEST

There is this game that’s been going on for a while. It’s actually really fun.

It’s called “You’re not even American so get out of my country!”. This game is probably the most popular game in America!

Politicians play it,  old people play it, young people play it, and even those people that live across the street play it. All you have to do to start the game is to accuse someone with different ideology, background, or fingerprint of not being an American.

It goes like this:

You’re not even American!

Just saying that is UN-AMERICAN so that means you’re not even American!!

Oh yea?? Well I’m 1/8 Native American

Oh yea?? Well I’m a firefighter and I have a pet bald eagle!

Oh yea?? Well I’m a Marine and I’m a direct descendent of George Washington!!

Oh yea? Well EVERYONE in my family including my 5 year old sister is a Marine AND I have 6 kbillion American flags at home”

Oh yea???

YEAHHH

WELL I SING THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER IN THE SHOWER

WELL I’M A NAVY SEAL!!!

YOU’RE A LIAR!! THERE ARE NO FEMALE NAVY SEALS!!!!!!!!!

WELL I’M SOO AMERICAN THAT I BECAME ONE!

WELLLLLLLLLL I’M SOOOOOOOOOO AMERICAN THAT I’M ENGLISH!!!!

. . . .

oh shoot. I meant like my ancestors came from England on the Mayflower . .

Nope . .

Soo that means I’m like a super American because I’m English . .

Nope . .

. . . . damn . . .

I WINNN! NOW GET OUT MY COUNTRY!

This game is awesome and I encourage all to play!

Not American-o?

NO PROBLEM-O. Try the cool spin-off game “God hates you, so go die!”. This game is very fun to play with people who have different religions or a different sexual orientation. Moreover, this game is suitable for ALL age groups so you can even play with children. Because why not?? It will teach them very important life values or something.

Happy playing!

Challenge status (what’s this about?): DAY 23

The Life of a Non-Winner

I’m a non-winner.

I’m not a loser exactly, I just don’t win. I guess that means I’m just a whatever.

Sometimes that sucks, because never winning a real award is not really good for the ego. Which is why I made a blog, there are no awards! I can just pretend I’m a winner! It’s the perfect environment for me!

Dear Squareflea,

Hahaha.

-Wordpress

I was barely a day into the blogging universe when I realized that a bunch of people had a bunch of awards made up by some person nominating a bunch of people to get a bunch of awards. But that’s okay, they weren’t real awards right? RIGHT?? So I ignored them and continued to live in my award-free blogiverse.

Dear Squareflea,

Hahaha.

NO

-Wordpress

Did you guys know that Freshly Pressed . . .(breathes) . . .

. . .THAT FRESHLY PRESSED IS AN AWARD??? APPARENTLY???

I thought those things were just things that people paid for to put their things on that page, not an award thing!

First of all, great job WordPress on coming up with such an aaammmaaazzziiinnngggglllyyy creative award name. Yeaaa hurray for you!!

And guess what?

I don’t care about your stupid award. Freshly Pressed blogs?? I don’t even freshly press my clothes!! Besides I want my words and my post to be free not constrained by a pressing thing!!

(Ok I just realized that maybe they were referring to a printing press and not clothing but really that’s stupid because this stuff is all digital. Also I’m pretending I didn’t realize that.)

Heck I don’t even iron my clothes. If they’re wrinkly I just use the who needs an iron I have a hand tool to get rid of them. Apparently my hand is a magical anti-wrinkle tool.

So since you (WordPress) seem(s) to think that everyone not on that page has wrinkly post, I would like to award every blogger who blogs on this thing with an award of my own.

I hereby present you all with a who needs an iron I have a hand and we can use Febreeze for freshness nobody even cares about awards anyway nanana pooopoooo Award.

Congrats to all the winners.

Challenge status (what’s this about?): DAY 21

I’m Not Funny.

Let’s get this straight.

I’m not funny, like a funny bunny.

I wish I was but alas no.

I also wish I can talk to trees. Then I remember that there are no good trees in this world anymore.

I feel the need to clarify this (the “not funny” thing not the “bad tree” thing) because I feel like I’m being given credit that I don’t deserve. I also feel that if aliens do make contact with us, I should be earth’s ambassador to their planet. Moreover, I feel the love tonight.

Funny is an art, it requires skill and talent. Like comedians for example. They’re all like, yo listen to this joke son! And the audience is like, wow and hhahahahaha. And then Hitler.

Funny (according to google images):

I do something else. Something that requires no skill at all. It’s called random absurdity.

Notice how I say that like its a real thing? Look I got diagnosed with random absurdity! I should be a doctor! But really I just made that up and that’s cool I guess.

Sometimes it’s funny, but most of the time it’s just  . .just. . .very purple foldery. Like this purple folder that I have where I keep my old exams. And in that folder there is a sheet of paper listing a whole bunch of phone numbers. I have no idea who’s numbers they are but I still call them. And that, is a perfect description of my “funny”.

So you should all stick with me because when random absurdity becomes a movement and I rule the world I will acknowledge you all as my bosom booger mates (the highest friendship status that can be achieved with the leader of the random absurd world).

I would also like to point out that I’m very honest by keeping true to the title and keeping it all unfunny.

Stay random,

The Square Flea

Challenge status (what’s this about?): DAY 19

Ann Archie Answers Your Questions About the M-Theory

What is the M- theory?

The M theory was originally goingto be called the M&M theory. However, many theoretical physicists realized that there was no way to mathematically measure the awesomeness of M&Ms, so they changed the name to M-theory. They decided to make the M stand for membrane and then made up a theory to go with it.

I thought that theories are found first and then they’re given a title?

Not true at all. The title is the most important thing; first the title then the theory.This method is called  Title Then Content (TTC) and it’s a technique only brilliant people can manage. It’s how I write my all my blog posts.

Are you sure . . ?

Of course I’m sure! Don’t doubt me! It’s not like you’re a theoretical physicist right?

Uh . . no I’m not.

JUST AS I THOUGHT!!! Now, I’m not a scientist either but I watch all these videos and documentaries about sciency stuff when I’m suppose to be doing my homework, so that makes me like an expert. Probably more than those physic scientists themselves.

Okay, let’s move on. What does this theory state?

It’s a build-on on the string theory which states that our universe and a bunch of other universes are but strings on a huge guitar. And all these strings vibrate to make the music of life. But everyone was like what? And then the scientist were like, there are 11 parallel universes. And then everyone was like WHAT? And then the scientists were like, guess what? Those strings are all connected and they make a sheet! A vibrating sheet that makes the beautiful music of life and maybe it sounds like dubstep.

That doesn’t really sound scientific. .

You’RE FACE doesn’t sound scientific.

 . . . .

Okay I may have exaggerated on some things and used my writer’s brush to make the science mumbo jumbo a beautiful painting. . .

You like that right, huh? Such good imagery! I’m a really good writer! You should tell all your readers to visit my blog “The Square Flea” !! Also follow me on twitter @thesquareflea! I’m

Well I think this is all the time we have for today.

NO I’m not done! I didn’t even get into the maths of  it and that the whole reason I made up this interview in the first place. I have to talk about the P-branes and the BFSS model. . .

Yes but you need to go now . . .

It begins with a simple derivation of the

security . .

the factors are then ..

SECURITYY!!

Challenge status (what this about?): DAY 14

blivinurself

So here I am, writing again.

However, this time I’m writing very hesitantly because I am honestly terrified of blogs. I keep telling myself that I can write whatever I want and that it doesn’t matter what people think, but in the end all I do is worry about if people “like” what I’m saying. This may have to do with the fact that I try to please and impress everyone, but I think it is mostly because I have 4 kbillion readers that follow my blog religiously and I have to keep them all satisfied and happy.

Really.

It came to the point where I actually thought about just getting rid of this blog. Because really, what’s the point?

But that thought in itself made me sad. I like writing/drawing/pressing random keys on the keyboard for people. Even if no one looks at it! Even if everyone hates it! I DON’T CARE!!

(but i do)

(i do care)

This constant tug of war in my head can be solved  by one way and one way only.

I decided to make myself a mascot to keep me motivated. It’s a hat named Montgomery David Maximilian.

Monti, as he is called, is a hat.

The hat is Monti.

He is red and has yellow flowers.

Monti is an imaginary hat because a red hat with yellow flowers doesn’t exist probably.

He follows me around and keeps me motivated which is why his name is Monti.

Because Monti sounds like motivated if you’re half deaf.

Anytime I’m unsure of myself he whispers softly in my ear: “blivinurself”

And then I realize . .

Donna gives up but I don’t!

Which makes Donna a loser, she probably doesn’t have a blog.

Thank you Monti for getting me back (Unfortunately for you all).

Why You Did Not Win the Mega Millions Lottery, A Statiscal Breakdown (with graphs and stuff)

Please Note: This post contains so much accurate and mathy stats as well as very graphy graphs and (stuffy) stuff that it can actually be dangerous to your health. It may cause seizures, nose bloods, and cholera. Please proceed with caution.

There was really no possible way for you to win the Mega Millions lottery of over a half a billion dollars, I knew that before you even bought your ticket. While you were feeling that awesome feeling of hope and thinking What if? while imagining yourself sleeping on a magnificent pile of money, I was laughing at you.

I was laughing at you very very hard because seriously how old are you?

You are more likely to die right now and/or have tea with a unicorn than win the Mega Millions lottery.

I conducted further studies on this issue using mathematical algorithms and symbols no one knows. The proof is presented below:

Then if you carry the 1. . .

You will get (a) very clear and obvious answer(s).

You are more likely to . . .than win the Mega Millions Lottery

1) Have a sex change operation and become a vegan

2) Get married to Justin Bieber on the surface of the moon by Mother Theresa

3) Get possessed by the devil four times while riding a unicycle and playing a didgeridoo

To sum it all up for those reading this who can’t understand math; No, you will not win the lottery.

And as promised, here is some stuff:

Now go and have a nice day!