The origin of cake

A long long time ago in the land of lets get people fat and stuff there lived a witch.

And this witch was a terrible person, like the worst person ever. She was all like I hate turtles. Seriously who does that? Also she liked math.

One day she looked into her crystal ball and saw something shocking. The crystal ball told the witch in a very crystal bally way that in 4 million years a beautiful girl who goes by the name of Square Flea will be born and be very beautiful and awesome. She will also be good a math. Moreover, there is nothing the witch can do about it.

“Cool.” Said the witch while violently throwing the crystal ball  on the floor.

Then she cried because the witch hated the beautiful awesome girl born 4 million years later. Especially if she was good at math. Especially if there was nothing she could do about it.

“Oh poor mio!” Wailed the witch while feeding her pet whale.

The she ate lunch, played checkers, and took a shower.

Also she invented cake. That was nice.

She then went to sleep.

She died four years later.

God bless her soul.

I’m Taking A Break! (Don’t miss me too much)

I just love surprises! They are so unpredictable and that just makes life so much more interesting!

Other times surprises make life a little more sad and depressing.

Why just the other day I was driving around when suddenly, an oven.

*Not a true story.

Nobody likes unpleasant surprises.

So I just wanted to take the time to tell you that I’m taking a break from this blog. I will not be posting anything until August 23, 2012.  So don’t think for a second that I would abandon this thing without warning you about it. Or that I’m just a lazy person who is too lazy to write anything because I’m  lazy. Also because I spend all day watching animal youtube videos until 3 AM. Or that I reached my quarter life crisis when I realized I take elevators to the second floor. Or that I tried to buy a house  in Detroit off of ebay for $2,546.

Did you know that Detroit’s crime rate decreased at a percentage much higher than any other city in the USA?

Also look at that house! Its beautiful and it has 3 bedrooms! And 1.75 bathrooms because you can always use the front yard!

But don’t be jealous! I’m a nice person so I’m gonna sell it to you guys for free! Only $2,550!

Send me a message if your interested!

In conclusion, I totally abandoned my blog because I’m lazy person who maybe bought a house in Detroit. In conclusion to the conclusion, I decided to pretend to give a warning way after I abandoned it. It’s like me telling you that you’re going to be murdered by being set on fire  while you are actually on fire. Also I’m the person who set you on fire. And then when you died of your burns I would tell everyone that I called it way before it happened. Then three days later a mob of people murder me.
It’s that type of situation.

Well I hope you guys don’t miss me too much.

Try not to cry. I’ll be back on August 23, 2012.

Where I discover that I don’t know how to be a sellout

Yesterday, I decided to become a sellout to get more views on my blog and become rich and famous.

Wait.

That wasn’t yesterday . . . that was 8 days ago!!

Damn time machine. I thought I turned it off.

In other news, I don’t know how to be a sellout.

First I was like my sellout idea is great! I will be rich and people won’t like me! Then I was like eww do I really want to be a Snookie? And then I was like yeahhhh I doo! Afterwards I wondered if sellout is one word  or two. Then I googled it. Somehow I ended up in a royal Persian cat selling site and so here we are, 8 days later.

Did you know that if you don’t write anything for 8 days you get something called ZERO views?

Did you know Mt Everest is located in Nepal?

Did you know my time machine goes only forwards and not back except for that time that I banged my head and thought I was 4?

Did you know that the are 3 royal Persian kittens available as of 6 days ago?

Hitler Cat? Is that you?

I just can’t make this up people.

Back to the topic at hand (Ha like there is one), I need to change my tune to become more popular. So I decided (another one of my decisions oh boy!) that I will mimic the most popular website ever!

 

GOOGLE.COM!!

I have to become a search engine!

Just type your searches in the comment section and I will google them and get back to you!

. . .

Somehow I don’t think this will make me popular, or make me any money.

Let try this again:

I HAVE NAKED PICTURES OF EVERY CELEBRITY IN THE WORLD, THAT’S RIGHT EVEN THE GUY WHO SAYS THAT ONE WORD IN THAT ONE FILM. IF I GET 100000000 LIKES BY TOMORROW I WILL POST THEM AND SUCH.

So I Wrote a Story?

Once upon a time there was a girl who was really excited to have her own blog and stuff. She was like I’m gonna write on this thing forever! (yo)

Once upon a time, she did

Then once upon a time more recent than that other once upon a time, she didn’t.

Then she got really lazy and was like maybe if I just think really hard, my thoughts will magically type themselves.

They didn’t.

Also she found out that magic markers actually didn’t have any magic in them.

She cried.

Then she sued.

Then she lost.

She cried again.

Then she found a prince.

Just kidding, she didn’t.

Then she was like I can just make up excuses about how busy and tired I am.

So she did.

Then there was a fairy godmother who was like, here is a kbillion dollars.

No, no there wasn’t.

“Wow! This is the best fairy tale/ story I have ever read!” Said no one ever.

THE END

I Killed Negative Nelly (maybe)

Hello all you wonderful people!

I am oh so sorry that I  haven’t posted anything for more than a week now and I assure you that there is a good reason for it.

You see,  I’ve been on vacation!

That’s right! Vacation!

Last Thursday, I  departed for the beautiful exotic Island of I’m Sick and in Bed  and just returned from it yesterday. It was definitely a beautiful and relaxing experience.

I visited Sore Throat, Fever, Ear Infection, Throat Infection, Here’s A Headache, and then when I realized that I still had more time in the Island I swung by A Random Bloody Nose every once in a while.

It was great! It was wonderful! It was fantabulous!!

Plus on the fourth day the Island opened up a new attraction called I Don’t Know What You Might Be Allergic To But Here Are Some Random Hives. Needless to say, it was fun!

And every night the Island hosted an extravagant pity party featuring all the best of guilty fattening food! And I love those guys. The parties were so wild and crazy that I lost my voice!

Moreover,  watched lots and lots of strange YouTube videos that completely changed my life around. Including one video trying to figure out the the science of attraction. It claims that one part of attraction is having a positive and enthusiastic attitude because nobody likes a downey downer (Robert Downey jr ??).

The video taught me to speak about all my experiences  in a more positive light so everybody can love me and stuff. Also the word fantabulous is now in my conversational vocabulary storage bank. All because I want to seduce all of you! (Are you fantabulously attracted to me now?)

So even though I’m still on lots of medication it’s alright because butterflies! That’s right! They’re soo pretty and positive and positive. Except when they are all dead and stuff in those butterfly museums! (Or if they’re in your stomach, but really people why would you eat those things?)

The best part about the vacation was that I did a bunch of soul searching and found out a lot of new things about me! Like:

1) I can in fact cough up a lung

2) Blood tastes way too metallic for me to ever want to be a vampire

And . .

3)  I might not know the difference between being positive and being bitterly sarcastic

So I hope all you fantabulous people are doing well!

If I was ever to be arrested and interrogated it would be for this . .

The ridiculously bright light was shining on my face and burning my eyeballs. Kind of like how I burned my eggs this morning.

“Where were you at 9 AM this morning?”

“At home, burning my breakfast eggs.”

“Where were you at 9:30 AM this morning?”

“At home, eating a Nutella sandwich.

“DO you like muffins?”

“Of course I like muffins!”

“And you swear all this is true?”

“(yes)”

“I can’t hear you, speak up!”

“ahhhh wahhhh I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I’m a terrible person! I lied! I lied!!”

“About what?”

“A-about the 9:30 Am I-I wasn’t eating a Nutella sanndwwichhhh.”

“So  WHERE WERE YOU AT 9:30 AM THIS MORNING?!?!”

“I was at home, eating Nutella straight out of the jar.”

“Oh my God, you’re ridiculous!”

“I’m sorry! I’m soo sorryyy!!”

“Ughh forget it! Do you know the Muffin Man?”

“The Muffin Man?”

“The Muffin Man! Do you know the Muffin Man?”

“Hmmm who lived on Drury Lane?”

“Yes!”

“Yes, I know the (muffin man) . .”

“The Muffin Man?!?!?”

“The Muffin Man! Yes I know the Muffin Man who lives on Drury Lane.”

“Did you kill the Muffin Man?”

“Ummm I ate him. Is that like the same?”

“YES!! You are now GUILTY OF MURDER!”

“Oh, sorry.”

“SORRY??!??! Really?!?!? You killed the Muffin Man and that’s all you can say?!? THINK OF HIS CHILDREN!!”

“I did! That’s why I ate them too, so they don’t miss their dad.”

Life in prison is fun.