The Six Days of Sandy

There are many important things I would like to importantly discuss with you today.

First of all, I miss this place  . . a  lot. I don’t know what I was thinking when I stopped writing here but whatever that thought was it probably had to do with food because I love food and it tastes good.

Number secondly, I changed a lot as a person. The square flea is not longer as squary or fleay as before. The bad humor based on randomness and incorrect sentence structures that make no sense are still here, but there has been a major change. I no longer consider Nutella the best thing ever.

Yes.

I said it.

The best thing ever is electricity because that thing gives you the internet (also heat, light, phone, tv but most importantly internet). I love that thing.

Many of you might not be aware but there was a hurricane thing that hit the east coast. For some reason they called it Sandy and that reason is probably due to an ex girlfriend. Anyway, Sandy came and was like here’s some water people! That’s called flooding. Then she took my electricity because she’s a stealing *****.  Also Sandy is a Amish fanatic and was on a mission to forcefully convert everyone into following her radical views. And I became Amish for 5 days. Afterwards the great PSE&G (we make things work for you) blessed me and made things work for me again. Now things are okay again. Recovery and such.

Oh, here are some pictures I took! With one line commentaries!

We are gonna need a mop.

Poor car 😦

The roof! The roof! The roof is on  . .oh wait. .

Sandy: she ruins your bike ride.

Some people wake up early to get gas, others wake up early with gas.

My sentiments exactly.

On a serious note everyone is doing better here. Some people got hit worse than others but we are all helping each other clean up to get back on our feet again. Power slowly getting back to everyone and we are very thankful for it. 🙂

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Do Whatever the Nice Police Officer Tells You to Do, A Father’s Day Story

My father and I have an awesome relationship. He’s all like “what’s up my little girl?” and I’m all like “you are baba (that’s what I call him) because your taller than me but watch out because I’m catching up because genetics, yo”.

One thing that has always connected me with my father is our very, very strange sense of humor. Most people might not think the phrase the moist tissue farted is funny, but really, that’s their loss. Our endless guffaws at lamp posts, parking lots, and jelly fish  helped forge precious childhood memories.

Yea my dad is cool.

And I’m not the only one who thought so.

In fact, my entire 4th grade class thought so and it was all because of his really cool shirt.

It was a shirt he bought in a flea market, white with bold black letters saying WHOEVER IS WEARING THIS SHIRT IS A POLICE OFFICER. He tried to wear it every time he came to pick me up and all my classmates took an instant liking to silly fake police officer.

Until he began telling his jokes . . .

“And he said it was round! Hahahaha” -Dad

” . . . .”- Everybody

“Come on everyone it was funny! Laugh!”- Dad

“. . . .”- Everybody

“Look! The shirt says DO WHATEVER THE NICE POLICE OFFICER TELLS YOU TO DO so you gotta laugh”- Ricardo Gomez

” Ha ha  . .ha?”- Everybody

My father and I knew the laughter was forced but we accepted cheerfully, it was the closest we could get to being funny. Besides he still had the kids cool approval (kid of like the kids choice awards, basically). After all, we knew that our jokes were just so funny that they just went over everyone’s head.

We would never let a joke go over our head.

Never.

Ever.

Right now, I bet that a lot of questions are crossing your mind. Like, is there a point to this story? What was the round thing in the joke? Why do I dramatically type in one word and then press enter? And who the heck is Ricardo Gomez?

There are no answers to these complicated questions.

I’m sorry.

Really.

But there is an ending to this little memoir. You see, about four years later when I was an old and wise eight grader I dug up my dad’s old shirt. I reread it. Then I cut it up and threw it out.

The shirt had a message that was a lot different than I thought.

WHOEVER IS WEARING THIS SHIRT IS

A POLICE OFFICER!

Lie flat on your back and do whatever this nice officer tells you to do.

Oh daddy!

Sometimes You Just Gotta Yell at Bathtubs

There was a time in my life where I was too terrified to enter a bathroom. Not because bathrooms were nasty and smelled bad but because faucets, sinks, toilets, and bathtubs.

MOM: faucets, sinks, toilets, and bathtubs?

ME: Yes, they’re scary!

MOM: How are they scary?

ME: Well didn’t you ever think, while sitting on the toilet, what if this toilet needs to talk? And what if it needs to say “onwards march” and then it accidentally swallows you and you drown in the dirty water.

MOM: Toilets don’t talk, now go take your bath.

ME: I can’t! I might anger it and then it will start yelling and the drain will open up and I’ll die.

MOM: That’s not going to happen. Now GO.

ME: You don’t even care about me! Your daughter is going to get eaten by a bathtub and you don’t even care.

MOM: GO. TAKE. YOUR. BATH. RIGHT. NOW.

Did you ever try to take a bath while being ridiculously terrified of a bathtub?

I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy. You sit there for a while anxiously waiting for a deep voice to say “I’m a bathtub and I will now say onwards march because the word onwards makes me go ‘OHH’ and that opens the drain real wide and then you will fall in it and drown in the dirty water.” Except I will die way before he even finishes that statement because he would have already said onwards march. It was a suicide mission basically.

So I developed a safe bathing technique called you-think-I’m-taking-a-bath-but-it’s just-the-water-running.

But then I started to smell bad.

So I decided to confront my fears straight on.

And not once did that bathtub speak.

NOT ONCE.

Challenge status (what’s this about?): DAY 25

How to Lie to Yourself Professionally

Final exam week is coming up! Everybody get excited!!

This is definitely my favorite part of the semester because it becomes my time to show the world how good I am AT LYING TO MYSELF.

But this year I will change. You see I have finally learned my lesson.

SO starting tomorrow I will enter rigorous study boot camp, where my only form of a break will be writing in this blog. This is serious time people.

Starting tomorrow.

Brand new beginning.

Tomorrow.

Right.
(right)

Challenge status (what is this about?): DAY 9

It’s “Let’s sleep in random places today” Day

If you ever wanted to sleep in random places and make a fool of yourself then today is your day!

Because guess what people?  I officially made today “Let’s sleep in random places today” day!

Why?

Because ladies and gentlemen, this is how I spent last night:

Lalala la la. Hmmm I should probably do some work and I definitely need to study. . . but wait! I MUST first check my oh so very important email that I haven’t checked for five minutes, I could have gotten that internship or an email from WordPress saying “hey, you’re like the best blogger ever” or “new comment please moderate”.  So email! Yeaa. . .

The Yahoo front page puts me in a serious pickle, I must carefully choose my path.

No way! That has to be the best news story ever! How dare a penguin bite someone who loves America so, it must be a terrorist. Also Gingrich? I love that guy! I used to think he was terrible guy because I thought his name was the Grinch (the one who stole Christmas) but now I realize that he is actually a giant marshmallow come to life and who doesn’t love marshmallows? Also penguins. I HAVE to read the article and know what happened! Yes the penguin bit him but then what?

But NO!

I’m not suppose to be doing that.

Back to work , missy.

So then I went back to work.

THE END

(Just kidding.)

So I clicked on them.

YEP all of them and they were all terrible, I read them anyway. Well except the last one, because it was a video and you can’t read them. Moreover, it’s a video that does this:

It was at that point that the status of this video went from meh I’ll watch it to I NEED TO WATCH IT TO SURVIVE! So I slapped the screen. Five times.

I yelled at the screen.

I threatened the screen.

I made a toast and Nutella sandwich.

And when I came back I did what every normal person would do in that situation; I went on YouTube to search for that video because hey it might work there. However, YouTube decided to not have the video because hey why make life easy. So I yelled at YouTube. I slapped YouTube ten times. I made another Nutella sandwich.

I don’t know how it happened. Even now, 24 hours later,  I can’t tell you. It started out with babies eating lemons to baby squirrel to cute bunny eating carrot and 3 hour later I found myself here:

I have been obviously YouTube roofied and apparently I wasn’t the only one.

It was a wake up call. No more shenanigans! I must study!!

But first:

That’s disgusting! I don’t want to see that! Right?

Of course you don’t.

. . .

CLICK

OH GOD!

What’s wrong with me? I have reached the weird part of YouTube and willingly watched a video called “Hippo gets explosive diarrhea”. What have I come to? I would have never searched that up on my own (mostly because I can’t spell diarrhea)! I’m a sick twisted person! Well, I kinda did it for science, the science of explosive diarrhea. Right.

After judging the other 2,786,094 people who watched the video (probably not for the righteous sake of science as I have) and shaking my head at them vigorously I closed up my browser and shut down my computer.

Also it was dawn.

This is why today was “Let’s sleep in random places today” Day. I celebrated by sleeping on a park bench, students lounge, class, grass, class, the bus stop bench, and class. Plus, since they say I can do anything if I believed, I believed in sleeping while standing up and I did it. So congratulations to me!

But seriously, I’m sleeping early tonight (by midnight).

Seriously. Except . . .oh wait, I need to do my work and I definitely need to study. My assignment is probably on my email, I better open that up.

Well hello there Yahoo.

Challenge status: DAY 1

blivinurself

So here I am, writing again.

However, this time I’m writing very hesitantly because I am honestly terrified of blogs. I keep telling myself that I can write whatever I want and that it doesn’t matter what people think, but in the end all I do is worry about if people “like” what I’m saying. This may have to do with the fact that I try to please and impress everyone, but I think it is mostly because I have 4 kbillion readers that follow my blog religiously and I have to keep them all satisfied and happy.

Really.

It came to the point where I actually thought about just getting rid of this blog. Because really, what’s the point?

But that thought in itself made me sad. I like writing/drawing/pressing random keys on the keyboard for people. Even if no one looks at it! Even if everyone hates it! I DON’T CARE!!

(but i do)

(i do care)

This constant tug of war in my head can be solved  by one way and one way only.

I decided to make myself a mascot to keep me motivated. It’s a hat named Montgomery David Maximilian.

Monti, as he is called, is a hat.

The hat is Monti.

He is red and has yellow flowers.

Monti is an imaginary hat because a red hat with yellow flowers doesn’t exist probably.

He follows me around and keeps me motivated which is why his name is Monti.

Because Monti sounds like motivated if you’re half deaf.

Anytime I’m unsure of myself he whispers softly in my ear: “blivinurself”

And then I realize . .

Donna gives up but I don’t!

Which makes Donna a loser, she probably doesn’t have a blog.

Thank you Monti for getting me back (Unfortunately for you all).

Adventures with Chad, a Memoir

Today marks the tenth and a half year anniversary since my pet Chad went missing. He was a true and wonderful friend and I thought I can commemorate his memory today by telling you the story of how I met him.

I was on my way home from school when I saw Chad just laying there on the ground looking abandoned and sad. Well actually, I saw him after my sister stepped on him and he was stuck on her shoe.

ME: What the heck is stuck on your shoe?

HER: Hmmm it looks like a leaf. . .

ME: Wow its such a pretty leaf! It looks like a green heart! Let’s take it home with us and make it a pet!

HER: Yea but mom says we can only have one pet and we already have my pet Lisa the hotdog AND we already have Walter the stick AND Mustafa the snail as secret pets.

ME: Well we don’t actually have Lisa anymore, I ate her yesterday. Besides who keeps a hotdog for a pet, that’s soooo ssttttuuuuppppid.

HER: It’s not stupid! It has the word dog in it so yes it is a pet!! LEAF PETS ARE STUPID.

ME: YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!! You’re face is stupid!

HER: Oh yeah? Well your soul is stupid!! And I’m gonna eat this stupid leaf just like you ate Lisa!!

ME: NO you can’t eat CHAD! That’s cruel and you can get cancer or cellular devastation if you eat leaves!

HER: Really?

ME: Yes and you will die.

HER: Like Lisa who’s dead now! *cries*

ME: You are the stupidest stupid person in this stupid world full of stupid people doing stupid things! Lisa was already dead meat when we bought her!

HER: You’re face is a stupid piece of dead meat! Its the stupidest piece of dead stupid meat it’s SO STUPID.

[The stupid exchange continues until we finally get home]

HER: Fine you can keep Chad under two conditions. . .

Then just like that I was able to keep Chad. We had a wonderful two days together. We went on walks, took baths together, and I got to draw on his face.

AND THEN HE WENT MISSING.

And I knew exactly who took him.

I had to do everyone’s chores for a month after I decapitated all my sisters barbies and tried to flush them down the toilet. I also put gum in her hair but I didn’t get in trouble for that because everyone just thought my sister did that to herself accidentally. All and all, it was all worth it. I had avenged Chad’s death (disappearance) while proving that I may have the potential to be an evil genius.

Oh and if anyone happens to see Chad can they please let him know I miss him and I wish he would come back home.