You Probably Have Stomach Cancer.

Hello all.

Today I come to you as a survivor of a mysterious bout of stomach pain. The pain attacked me out of the blue and made me cry and whine like a three year old, or a really old car. It also hurt a lot, which was to be  expected since that is what pain is known to do. I don’t deal well with pain, at all. I’m also a firm believer of “the eye for an eye” ideology. This means that if I’m in miserable pain then you can bet your last Mohican that you will be as well.

Does this make me a bad person? Probably.

So how exactly do I put everyone around me in equal misery? Do I stab their face? Eat their chocolate?  Take away their human rights??

The answer is much simpler and marginally less violent; I simply let everyone around me know exactly what type of pain I’m experiencing. At first it might not seem so bad and I might even get a dash or two of sympathy. In fact, most people assume that I do this because I somehow think that they are doctors and that I want them to diagnose my malady. I am not stupid. I know you are not a doctor unless you have a stethoscope.

Besides I already know I have stomach cancer.  My fate has already been decided and I am going to have to accept it. All pains and aches in my body can only mean one thing; cancer. Sometimes pain in the body can also mean a heart attack, but not in this case because you can’t have a heart attack in your stomach (I think).

Anyway, as I whined and complained  to the handful of people that actually admit to know me I realized how difficult it was to explain the pain. How could I possibly put everyone around me in equal misery if I could not describe/whine about what I was suffering in increment details? My whines were meant to become sharp weapons of pain attacking the ears of the unwary but instead they were weak, and kinda bouncy.

How can I possibly sharpen those dull edges? With creative descriptions that actually make no sense but sound dramatically and unrealistically painful of course!

So I made a helpful guide to help creatively describe the aches, pains, and strange noises in your stomach. With pictures!

You’re welcome people.

BEHOLD:

There are Oompaa Loompa’s in my stomach.

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Things That I Do (That Annoy Others)

I’m going to be honest with you here because we can’t start a relationship on lies. I do these things not to purposely annoy the people around me but because it is in my nature and I have no control over it. If I could I would stop myself but this is way out of my hands. REALLY.

1) I talk like I’m high

I’m going to say this right now, I don’t do drugs. I never did and never will. I say NO to drugs. Got it?

Yes, we got it.

Yet somehow sugar (and sometimes protein, carbohydrates, and even water) effect me in the same way drugs may effect a normal person. This leads to much crazy laughter and phrases that make no sense at all. The basic scientific explanation for all this is that the stuffs in my brains are no bueno. Think major black holes in the cranium. These circumstances give birth to the following:

The cheese did it!!

I only drink when I’m drunk.

Sometimes I think like a narwhal.

I have 5 unicorns.

Do you like my pink finger? Continue reading