Deep Thoughts with Ann Archie

Someone should really make Play-Doh perfume, that way you can spray it on kids that did not have a childhood and they can pretend they did. Look everyone, you would say, my child has a great childhood because he plays with Play-Doh.  But the truth is you just sprayed him with Play-Doh smelling perfume because you’re a terrible parent.

I really like the idea of a Post-it note. I mean its like a tiny paper with a sticky side and it usually comes in colors that no one would wear, what’s not to like about it.

One time, my friend was eating those hard Life Saver candies and he started to choke on them. We all started to laugh because we thought of how ironic it would be if he actually choked to death on a Life Saver. That’s why no one called for help, because it would be a great story to tell the grand kids.

I really want to buy a leather green jacket so that everyone can start calling me “that girl with the green leather jacket“. Then when I commit a crime, I would wear a black jacket and confuse the hell out of everyone.

Turtles are really stupid, I bet they have an IQ of 3.

I really hate it when I’m eating ice cream outside and then the kid from across the street turns into a butterfly and sits on it.

You know that feeling you get when you have to listen to someone with an annoying voice. You just spend the whole time wishing that you can have an annoying voice too so you can enter “American Idol” and then maybe the whole world can hate you.

Did you ever laugh so hard that you swallowed a kidney? Of course you did, how did you think it got there?

If I was Spider-Man I would kill myself because spiders are gross.

That awkward moment when you’re googling signs of heart attack because you think the person sitting next to you is having one and then they die.

Everyone was really nice to me out in the Wild West. Except for the part where some cowboy shot my leg off and I said “hey cowboy why did you shoot my leg off?” and the cowboy said “Caboose catgut nairn, ride ’em!”. Even though I really miss my leg we all had some good laughs.

I always keep a good book with me at all times. That way if I’m ever in a bank and it gets robbed and they say “EVERYBODY DOWN” I would have something to read while I’m down there. Because if you think about it, you would realize that it takes a very long time to gather all that money. You wouldn’t want to get bored.

One time this guy told me I told terrible jokes and that I’m not funny at all, so I fed his brains to zombies and laughed.

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It’s Adventure Time! Two Minutes in My Head.

This is probably a terrible idea but I’m going to just write everything that crosses my mind in the next two minutes. Or what I think is two minutes.

This is a bad idea.

There is a vacuum in my head. I mean I’ve gone completely blank. Scumbag brain! I usually have a battlefield of thoughts in there but today when I actually want to write my thoughts down they commit mass suicide. How can I think of nothing? That’s not even possible. Except with that thing where you think nothing and everyone is like wow dude that’s amazing. It’s kind of like meditation but not really. Or enlightenment! I saw a video about that before, when this lady had a stroke and she was like I reached enlightenment! It’s like thinking of everything and nothing at the same time. Like you have a thousand billion thoughts in your brain but they’re all wearing invisibility cloaks. So they’re all there but not really. I’ve reached nirvana!?!

No. No, I didn’t.

I’m just going to think of flowers. I really like flowers, especially lilies and roses. Like a whole field of them and then I can run through a field of flowers like a corny movie and everyone will say look that that beautiful girl and her pet dinosaur. And then I’ll get on his back and we can fly over the field of roses since he is that type of dinosaur that flies. The one with the wings, I forget their name. Then we can have a barbeque and I’ll eat a cheeseburger. Maybe there will be a cat. No, wait there is a cat and she’s birdisaurus’ wife. And look! There are their children. A rare breed of catobirdisaurus, isn’t that just grand! Especially since they breathe fire and that unicorn keeps cooking all the burgers super rare. Bastard. Unicorns are nifty and all but they are terrible cooks. There was definitely a lemon in that cheese burger. Dragons are the best cooks. Too bad they are not real.

Wouldn’t it be cool if there was a slide all around the world? Like one big slide and then you go on and visit all the countries as you’re sliding by. Also there would be a rule that as you slide by the natives of the corresponding country must give you food. Maybe a massage too. Although that won’t be possible since you’re sliding and there is no way they can give you a massage that quick. Otherwise it’s a pretty good idea. Realistically they can just wave and cheer you on like you’re running a marathon, but you’re not.

Still a massage would be nice. This thing is getting to long and I don’t how to end it.

Here is a haiku:

I like cheese okay

I forgot how to write haiku

This is definitly wrong, I will google

it

Have a nice life everybody.

Make Him Famous, How Super Heroes Are Made

There are many moments in life that bring us inspiration. They breathe in us power and passion and make us believe that we can actually succeed and make a change. That that slightly impossible idea you had can actually grow. Yes I will make it to the Olympics! Yes I will get into medical school! Yes I will change the world!

It lasts for two seconds.

And then you let it go. It is gone.

And you laugh and shake your head. How silly of you to think such thoughts. They are IMPOSSIBLE.

You need power.

You need money.

You need a miracle.

And that my friends is how you murder the superhero within. You dream a beautiful dream, but you are so terrified of failure and looking like a fool that you abandon it.

Just like that your inspiration is gone, you lose that chance of becoming a super hero and melt back into the dull routines of your life. Sometimes, that idea comes back to visit , urging your consideration, begging for a chance to live. You ignore it. Because when it comes to things that matter, powerful ideas and life changing goals, you see yourself as worthless. And so it dies.

I don’t know how many of you have seen the KONY 2012 film. If not check it out below, it’s definitely worth your time:

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I Wish I Had a Camera

It was one of those times again where I wish I had a camera. I wish I could capture the beautiful imagery in front of me. I wish I can show it to the world.

I wish I was an artist who can transform this keyboard into a pallet and create words that can capture colors and textures. Then I wish those words would turn into a film, with amazing special effects and  HD quality. So good your mind will make popcorn with extra butter for you to enjoy. Or perhaps nachos with salsa if that’s what you prefer.

But it shouldn’t matter because you will be too busy enjoying the view. The sunlight is bright, even through the dusty window, and it sends a small shaft of light into the room. It is reflected on the dust particles floating around. They look like glitter. Dancing glitter. Can a camera capture that? Probably the really good ones. The really expensive ones. I should probably save up.

I think about the old tin can on my closet shelf. It holds forty dollars and twenty cents, old money I never looked at or used. I wonder how they would look in this bright but faded sunlight. I wonder if the old dust would play with new or if it would be too weighted down by time to float and dance like the glitter.

I wonder if all my childhood dreams are trapped within the folds of the faded bills. Perhaps they sleep in the groves of the carved coins. Here’s one by Abraham Lincoln’s beard, settled and relaxed in the penny. I wonder if they know that they are forgotten. Should I let them go? Unfold them one by one and let them dance with the glitter. Maybe then something magical might happen and the faded February sun might merge with the forgotten dreams and the dust would link them together. Dancing back and forth until they live once again.

Their essence would be released and I would absorb it with my pores, like a sponge. Hungry lovely parasites that will feed off my brain, vampires that suck life to survive.

But you can’t see that, all you can see is the sunlight and the dust. Or at least you would if I had a camera. I should probably save up.