I don’t care about your pocket full of posies (ashes, ashes, all fall down)

Hello everyone, I just want to congratulate you all on reading a title that I made up randomly because I’m weird.

Now let’s talk about chicken.

In about 2 days I’m going to roast a whole chicken and then I’m going to eat it. Afterwards I will watch tv while eating ice cream. This is called Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is an American holiday commemorating everyone’s love of turkeys and cranberries and pumpkin pie. Basically what happened was that long time ago, like 40 years ago, after the dinosaurs died there was a shortage of food and everyone was happy. Then no one was happy. Then everyone got depressed. Then for some reason somebody thought that the depression was awesome so the called it the Great!! Depression!
Some time passes, like 5 years, and someone finds a turkey. They cook it and eat.

Some more time passes, like 2 years later, someone finds a pumpkin. They pie it and eat.

Then Abraham Lincoln gets shot in a theater. Guess what? There were cranberries in that theater. Someone finds them and eats them.

And that’s how thanksgiving was discovered by Christopher Columbus.

Now the real funny part is I hate turkey, therefore chicken.

This is called irony. It is also called badly written made up stuff.

*This post does not contain any pictures because I’m lazy.

The elections and stuff

Politics are cool!

There is nothing I enjoy more than discussing politics, except maybe discussing politics on Facebook.  Believe it or not, I used to hate everybody who always  facebook raped me  posted  their political views. Here were all my friends having intelligent in depth political debates while I was all like “look, I’m eating a bagel”. I mean I do have a political opinion but I just never saw the need to advertise it.

This year, it all changed.

THE SQUARE FLEA GOES POLITICAL. coming fall2012

That’s right people, get excited. I realized that I can force people to listen to something they don’t want to listen to by forcing them to listen. It’s like a paradox or something. So I started commenting on some of my friends political statuses, taking the opposite side of course:

YOU’ RE OBVIOUSLY A NAZI TERRORIST IRANIAN PIRATE WHO HATES AMERICAAA.

HOW STUPID ARE YOU? OR DO YOU JUST HATE AMERICA THAT MUCH?!?!?!

That worked out great!

I got blocked. That’s nice.

Then I realized that I was missing something . . .apparently there is an etiquette that must be used when violently disagreeing with a Facebook friend. It’s called the I’m going to insult you but put on so much hearts, smiley faces, and compliments that you won’t notice, but you will notice because I’m obviously calling you a dumbass technique.

Behold:

-I have to respectfully disagree 🙂  just because Romney loves cheese, doesn’t make him the best choice for America.

-That’s fine 😀 but I don’t get how you don’t see that Obama actually stopped cancer by winking at someone who had it . I mean it’s on the news.

-You probably have a low brain cell count, it’s cute 😉 It’s probably why I love you so much ❤

-I know you love Romney but he’s a stupid lying idiot who probably doesn’t know how to add and anyone who votes for him is stupid. Love youuuu 😉

-Obama is aMuslim socialist trying to destroy the American dream, can’t believe you support that idiot who hates the USA. btw the earrings you had on today were sooo pretttyy ❤

Eventually I realized that I don’t only have to comment on other people’s statuses, I can write my own politically charged status. And I can support whoever I want!!

“We built it!” – The Republicans
“Yes we can!” – The Democrats
“Can we build it? Yes we can!” – Bob the Builder
BOB THE BUILDER 2012

BOOM!!

Success! I mean who wouldn’t support a candidate like that? Especially when the campaign slogan is BOOM!

BOB THE BUILDER. BOOM!

A wonderful night for a poem

The moon is bright and that is cool
it reminds me of lovers that love each other like school
what? that doesn’t make sense you say
ok

There is a little house in the woods
its full of lots of things and stuff
also things
and it loves like a wondering moon
it loves like turkeys singing at noon
also spoon, soon, and prune

Oh! cries the bear in flight
If only you knew about Santa’s delight
but you don’t and that’s too bad for you

I like cheese

The origin of cake

A long long time ago in the land of lets get people fat and stuff there lived a witch.

And this witch was a terrible person, like the worst person ever. She was all like I hate turtles. Seriously who does that? Also she liked math.

One day she looked into her crystal ball and saw something shocking. The crystal ball told the witch in a very crystal bally way that in 4 million years a beautiful girl who goes by the name of Square Flea will be born and be very beautiful and awesome. She will also be good a math. Moreover, there is nothing the witch can do about it.

“Cool.” Said the witch while violently throwing the crystal ball  on the floor.

Then she cried because the witch hated the beautiful awesome girl born 4 million years later. Especially if she was good at math. Especially if there was nothing she could do about it.

“Oh poor mio!” Wailed the witch while feeding her pet whale.

The she ate lunch, played checkers, and took a shower.

Also she invented cake. That was nice.

She then went to sleep.

She died four years later.

God bless her soul.

I’m Taking A Break! (Don’t miss me too much)

I just love surprises! They are so unpredictable and that just makes life so much more interesting!

Other times surprises make life a little more sad and depressing.

Why just the other day I was driving around when suddenly, an oven.

*Not a true story.

Nobody likes unpleasant surprises.

So I just wanted to take the time to tell you that I’m taking a break from this blog. I will not be posting anything until August 23, 2012.  So don’t think for a second that I would abandon this thing without warning you about it. Or that I’m just a lazy person who is too lazy to write anything because I’m  lazy. Also because I spend all day watching animal youtube videos until 3 AM. Or that I reached my quarter life crisis when I realized I take elevators to the second floor. Or that I tried to buy a house  in Detroit off of ebay for $2,546.

Did you know that Detroit’s crime rate decreased at a percentage much higher than any other city in the USA?

Also look at that house! Its beautiful and it has 3 bedrooms! And 1.75 bathrooms because you can always use the front yard!

But don’t be jealous! I’m a nice person so I’m gonna sell it to you guys for free! Only $2,550!

Send me a message if your interested!

In conclusion, I totally abandoned my blog because I’m lazy person who maybe bought a house in Detroit. In conclusion to the conclusion, I decided to pretend to give a warning way after I abandoned it. It’s like me telling you that you’re going to be murdered by being set on fire  while you are actually on fire. Also I’m the person who set you on fire. And then when you died of your burns I would tell everyone that I called it way before it happened. Then three days later a mob of people murder me.
It’s that type of situation.

Well I hope you guys don’t miss me too much.

Try not to cry. I’ll be back on August 23, 2012.

I need money

Sometimes I ask myself “what the hell are you doing?”, other times I don’t ask myself anything. Sometimes I drink water.

In other news . . .

I need money!  Because student loans are all like give me money! And I’m like chill dudes, it’s okay! I can get the money!

Except I have a serious problem, it’s called I don’t know how to rob a bank without getting caught and loans need money and my  job is like here’s 50 cents!

So I’m going to try to get money off this blog.  . . I’m going to be a sell out.

Look, after getting another shift of work I no longer have time to write for my enjoyment, I have resolved to become the Kim Kardashian and Snookie of the blog world. Yes, I might become orange, obtain a pornilicious bum, and probably be the most hated person in the world but I will be rich dammit!

In order to do that I need more than 5 views a day soooo I’m going to be a sell out. My intention will no longer be to write for me but to write for the views. That’s right! And if you have a problem with that then you can rant about it on your blog and make sure there is a direct link to mine.

AND DON’T TRY TO CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE BECAUSE I’M NOT LISTENING!!
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WANTING TO BE FAMOUS AND RICH!

PLEASE LIKE ME!!!! PLEASE!

Okay, goodnight everyone.

Can’t Break The Chain

I’ve wanted to run a marathon for as long as I can remember, something about running for a long time without dying just really appeals to me. So for the past 5 years I trained for it by following a challenging workout routine.

Yes, I know my workout routine is very complicated but I’m one motivated girl! In the past 5 years I only skipped a day or two where I did not follow my routine and actually ran.

What can I say? I’m very commited.

Yet somehow, even today, I can’t run up the stairs without fainting and being rushed to the emergency room. My family was convinced that it is because my workout routine is terrible, something about heart, muscles, and breathing, whatever. When I told them how ridiculous that sounded they asked me to come up with a different reason as to why I couldn’t even shrug without wheezing. I told them I was possessed by the Korean demon of unmatharoning, psuiondin (obviously).

So then they made me banish it. That went really well, especially when I  realized the ceremony called for the burning of 5 $100 bills.

I got a real workout routine instead.

That was two months ago, and I still haven’t started it.

It’s not because I’m lazy or anything. In fact, it’s because of my extreme unlaziness.

You see, while consulting my personal advisor, google.com, I found an excellent motivation technique discovered by the legendary scholar of motivation himself, Jerry Seinfeld. Using complicated mathmatical algorithms, Seinfeld developed an excellent technique called print-out-a-calendar-and-mark-each-day-you-complete-your-task-with-a-big-X, also known as don’t break the chain.

It’s a great idea. People don’t like seeing visual inconsistancy so they become more commited to the task. They strive to get the X at the end of the day so they can show it to their mommies and hang it on the fridge. Also it’s kinda like that snake game . Maybe.

It’s a great idea.

For everyone but me.

It only took me a minute to realize that I can’t break the chain if I never start it. Helloo loophole.  And so, I ended up accidentally discovering my own technique called don’t start the chain, ever. I utilized the same psychology used in Seinfield’s method to encourage lack of motivation and laziness. It’s kinda of like reverse psychology but not really. Because its the same psychology, just a reverse method. Instead of keeping a chain of Xs, I keep a chain of blanks, and I haven’t broken that chain for 2 months.

 I’m that good.