Why You Did Not Win the Mega Millions Lottery, A Statiscal Breakdown (with graphs and stuff)

Please Note: This post contains so much accurate and mathy stats as well as very graphy graphs and (stuffy) stuff that it can actually be dangerous to your health. It may cause seizures, nose bloods, and cholera. Please proceed with caution.

There was really no possible way for you to win the Mega Millions lottery of over a half a billion dollars, I knew that before you even bought your ticket. While you were feeling that awesome feeling of hope and thinking What if? while imagining yourself sleeping on a magnificent pile of money, I was laughing at you.

I was laughing at you very very hard because seriously how old are you?

You are more likely to die right now and/or have tea with a unicorn than win the Mega Millions lottery.

I conducted further studies on this issue using mathematical algorithms and symbols no one knows. The proof is presented below:

Then if you carry the 1. . .

You will get (a) very clear and obvious answer(s).

You are more likely to . . .than win the Mega Millions Lottery

1) Have a sex change operation and become a vegan

2) Get married to Justin Bieber on the surface of the moon by Mother Theresa

3) Get possessed by the devil four times while riding a unicycle and playing a didgeridoo

To sum it all up for those reading this who can’t understand math; No, you will not win the lottery.

And as promised, here is some stuff:

Now go and have a nice day!

It ain’t over till the fat lady sin(g)(k)s?

Ladies and gentlemen, today I have made a startling discovery that has completely changed my life around. You see, all my life I have been saying “it ain’t over until the fat lady sinks” when it is actually “it ain’t over until the fat lady sings“. For those of you who were on the same boat and thought that the fat lady fell over and sunk, I have come to inform you that the fat lady was never at risk for drowning. In fact she was at the karaoke, singing.

But let it be known that I am not here to admit defeat, rather this is a draft of rebellion. I have come to unite all my sinkers against the tyrant rule of the singers. For those of you who are neutral on this issue, I ask you to please consider the sinking side.

But why?

Nobody would ever want to be on the sinking side.

The answer is very straightforward

I mean think about it -it aint over till the fat lady sings- what does that even MEAN? It doesn’t even make sense. What does singing have to do with something being over?

According to the internet,  it references a certain opera where a certain fat lady sings at the end.You know what I’m talking about, the buxom woman with the horned helmet, spear, and shield who’s voice may or may not break  glass.  So I guess it makes sense if you really think about it.

. . .

Not really.

NO.

Sinking makes much more sense. The end is death, the fat lady isn’t dead until she sinks and suffocates in whatever she in sinking in.

I wanted to draw you all a picture to demonstrate that effect except they never say what she is sinking in. I would ask them, if I knew who they were. So I’m sure it would be just fine to assume anything we wish.

She can be sinking in water.

She can be sinking in glue, or chocolate, or gold coins.

She can sinking in air, because air is a fluid too.

But nobody dies by drowning in air!!*

And so now we have reached the ultimate reason of why you should join the sinking side; you can have extended metaphors!

air- never sink- never over

dead sea -never sink- never over

cupcakes- maybe sink- very yummy

happiness- definitely sink- maybe over but you’re happy so stop complaining

Consider this:

Motivational speaker guy: They say it ain’t over until the fat lady sinks but I say she is in air so she will never sink. It will NEVER be over! We will prevail!!

Compared to this:

Sorry excuse for a motivational speaker guy: They say say it ain’t over until the fat lady sings. So somebody duct tape her mouth shut! And surgically remove her vocal cords! It will NEVER be over! We will prevail!!

See how demeaning and violent the singing side is? I rest my case.

See you all in the quicksand.

*Please note that “sinking in air” does not mean the same thing as falling off a cliff and dying. It simply means being completely covered by air, like when your standing, or sitting, or sleeping, and you cannot die from it. Well you can but it wouldn’t be the air’s fault. It would be YOUR fault or rather the fault of guy choking you.

Think about that and have  a nice day!