357 Things To Do Instead of Writing a Blog Post

Here’s a list. It lists things. Some have descriptions. Some don’t. That’s life.

  1. brush your hair
  2. think about starting another blog
  3. read a book- hahaha just kidding, just stare at the book
  4. read the book- actually read the thing
  5. go on an African safari
  6. kidnap a giraffe
  7. put the giraffe in the oven
  8. take the giraffe out of the oven and put a camel in instead
  9. sneeze
  10. rob a bank while riding a giraffe
  11. make up your own swear words
  12. lose the giraffe
  13. faq faq faq my life I can’t believe I lost that son of a biscuit
  14. make biscuits
  15. eat the biscuits
  16. call your best friend and complain about the dry biscuit
  17. also complain about the giraffe
  18. also complain about your life problems, the economy, and disappearance of the honey bees
  19. adopt a honey badger
  20. go fishing
  21. find the giraffe except oh no now its dead
  22. get a job
  23. get another job
  24. yes, get one more job
  25. volunteer the rest of your hours
  26. watch a movie
  27. go up to a random stranger and ask them for the time. When they answer tell them its the wrong answer.
  28. go to Florida and eat somebody’s face off
  29. go to Jersey and cut up pieces of your flesh and intestines
  30. throw your flesh and intestines at cops
  31. get mad at a pigeon
  32. make a dress out of pigeon guts
  33. build a spaceship
  34. build a planet
  35. get mad at the dead giraffe
  36. get mentally lost
  37. start a business and fail it
  38. call customer service and say “but that’s not even a burger!”
  39. get mad at an onion
  40. start another business and fail it
  41. paint a rainbow on your forehead
  42. take all your clothes off
  43. go to Florida and get your face eaten off raw
  44. go to the hospital
  45. scream zombies and brains when you wake up
  46. eat some ice cream
  47. eat some brains
  48. run for president
  49. lose the presidency because you were originally born in a far distance M planet
  50. have a baby and demand to have its picture on the cover of People’s magazine
  51. roll in mud
  52. eat the mud
  53. pretend to be be a wandering philosopher and ask everyone you meet where the darn oatmeal is.
  54. laugh
  55. don’t laugh
  56. sit down
  57. don’t sit down
  58. run on water
  59. clip your toenails
  60. eat cheese
  61. milk a cow
  62. clone the cow
  63. shoot the cow
  64. wave at the giraffe that randomly appeared
  65. watch as someone spears the giraffe
  66. put the giraffe in the refrigerator
  67. buy a penguin
  68. put the penguin in the refrigerator
  69. say lalala blah blrggh three times fast
  70. ask William to go to the pumpkin patch
  71. punch William in the face
  72. punch Jesse in the face
  73. punch Ahmed in the face
  74. kick the giraffe for escaping from the refrigerator
  75. go to Florida and eat the giraffe

Things That I Do (That Annoy Others)

I’m going to be honest with you here because we can’t start a relationship on lies. I do these things not to purposely annoy the people around me but because it is in my nature and I have no control over it. If I could I would stop myself but this is way out of my hands. REALLY.

1) I talk like I’m high

I’m going to say this right now, I don’t do drugs. I never did and never will. I say NO to drugs. Got it?

Yes, we got it.

Yet somehow sugar (and sometimes protein, carbohydrates, and even water) effect me in the same way drugs may effect a normal person. This leads to much crazy laughter and phrases that make no sense at all. The basic scientific explanation for all this is that the stuffs in my brains are no bueno. Think major black holes in the cranium. These circumstances give birth to the following:

The cheese did it!!

I only drink when I’m drunk.

Sometimes I think like a narwhal.

I have 5 unicorns.

Do you like my pink finger? Continue reading