The Bad Day Vortex

You wake up in the morning and its raining, a lot. Also, you have no umbrella because that thing broke the last time it rained by a let’s pretend I’m a hair dryer and a tornado at the same time wind.

But it’s ok.

It’s just rain. Rain makes things grow and stuff, and that’s cool. It also makes earthworms come out of the dirt and then you step on them. It does this because it hates you and it’s probably going to use that same magic to make zombies rise for the zombie apocalypse.

At least I got rain boots.

It’s cool.

Until a speeding car splashes you with slushy dirty rain water. But you laugh because that stuff is only suppose to happen in movies! Since it happened to you, you must be real special.

It’s fine. It doesn’t mean that you’re having a bad day. You refuse to have a bad day.

It will get better . . .

The kids are late to school and girl kid is crying because she hates ponytails and no way is she going to school all ugly-like in a ponytail.

But girl kid, you say, you had a ponytail last week and it was fine.

Yea, says girl kid, but not anymore because ponytails are dumb farts.

Boy kid (realizing that a discussion on ponytail philosophy is on the horizon) decides that its a fine time to eat some ice cream and turn on the TV.

Kids are very lucky they are cute. Very lucky.

It’s still not a bad day. In fact it’s kinda, sorta normal and maybe a little teeny bit bad.

Look you got a 3 on your exam.

Look you fell in a puddle.

Look you forgot that report you stayed all night doing . . . at home.

Look you forgot your wallet! Awww you have nothing to eat? That’s okay you can STARVE.

Time to study in the super quiet library! Nope! There are no seats for you!!!

You will NOT have a bad day! You’re fine.

(it kinda is a bad day . .)

it’s feels like a bad day. .

Is that anger? no no no

Is your phone on vibrate? Did you put it on top of the stair banister for one second to wipe your tears? Good because someone called during that second and your phone vibrated off the banister and COMMITTED SUICIDE.

No anger. Anger BAD.

I’ll just (walk around angrily) find another place to sit.

WHY ARE THERE BIRDS SINGING WHEN IT’S RAINING?!?!?!? WHAT THE HELL BIRDS?!?!?!?!

oh no I think I’m angry

Grass, STOP MOCKING ME WITH YOUR GREENNESS!!

YES I’M DEFINITELY ANGRY. Look here’s the attractive face again!

HEY PHONE!! YOU THINK THAT YOU’RE CLEVER COMMITTING SUICIDE?!?! HERE, BE CLEVER IN THE HUDSON RIVER!!!

And that, officer, was why I was throwing my phone into the river. I swear I’m not crazy or intoxicated.

really!

REALLY!

Challenge status (what’s this about?): DAY 12

Adventures with Chad, a Memoir

Today marks the tenth and a half year anniversary since my pet Chad went missing. He was a true and wonderful friend and I thought I can commemorate his memory today by telling you the story of how I met him.

I was on my way home from school when I saw Chad just laying there on the ground looking abandoned and sad. Well actually, I saw him after my sister stepped on him and he was stuck on her shoe.

ME: What the heck is stuck on your shoe?

HER: Hmmm it looks like a leaf. . .

ME: Wow its such a pretty leaf! It looks like a green heart! Let’s take it home with us and make it a pet!

HER: Yea but mom says we can only have one pet and we already have my pet Lisa the hotdog AND we already have Walter the stick AND Mustafa the snail as secret pets.

ME: Well we don’t actually have Lisa anymore, I ate her yesterday. Besides who keeps a hotdog for a pet, that’s soooo ssttttuuuuppppid.

HER: It’s not stupid! It has the word dog in it so yes it is a pet!! LEAF PETS ARE STUPID.

ME: YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!! You’re face is stupid!

HER: Oh yeah? Well your soul is stupid!! And I’m gonna eat this stupid leaf just like you ate Lisa!!

ME: NO you can’t eat CHAD! That’s cruel and you can get cancer or cellular devastation if you eat leaves!

HER: Really?

ME: Yes and you will die.

HER: Like Lisa who’s dead now! *cries*

ME: You are the stupidest stupid person in this stupid world full of stupid people doing stupid things! Lisa was already dead meat when we bought her!

HER: You’re face is a stupid piece of dead meat! Its the stupidest piece of dead stupid meat it’s SO STUPID.

[The stupid exchange continues until we finally get home]

HER: Fine you can keep Chad under two conditions. . .

Then just like that I was able to keep Chad. We had a wonderful two days together. We went on walks, took baths together, and I got to draw on his face.

AND THEN HE WENT MISSING.

And I knew exactly who took him.

I had to do everyone’s chores for a month after I decapitated all my sisters barbies and tried to flush them down the toilet. I also put gum in her hair but I didn’t get in trouble for that because everyone just thought my sister did that to herself accidentally. All and all, it was all worth it. I had avenged Chad’s death (disappearance) while proving that I may have the potential to be an evil genius.

Oh and if anyone happens to see Chad can they please let him know I miss him and I wish he would come back home.

It’s Adventure Time! Two Minutes in My Head.

This is probably a terrible idea but I’m going to just write everything that crosses my mind in the next two minutes. Or what I think is two minutes.

This is a bad idea.

There is a vacuum in my head. I mean I’ve gone completely blank. Scumbag brain! I usually have a battlefield of thoughts in there but today when I actually want to write my thoughts down they commit mass suicide. How can I think of nothing? That’s not even possible. Except with that thing where you think nothing and everyone is like wow dude that’s amazing. It’s kind of like meditation but not really. Or enlightenment! I saw a video about that before, when this lady had a stroke and she was like I reached enlightenment! It’s like thinking of everything and nothing at the same time. Like you have a thousand billion thoughts in your brain but they’re all wearing invisibility cloaks. So they’re all there but not really. I’ve reached nirvana!?!

No. No, I didn’t.

I’m just going to think of flowers. I really like flowers, especially lilies and roses. Like a whole field of them and then I can run through a field of flowers like a corny movie and everyone will say look that that beautiful girl and her pet dinosaur. And then I’ll get on his back and we can fly over the field of roses since he is that type of dinosaur that flies. The one with the wings, I forget their name. Then we can have a barbeque and I’ll eat a cheeseburger. Maybe there will be a cat. No, wait there is a cat and she’s birdisaurus’ wife. And look! There are their children. A rare breed of catobirdisaurus, isn’t that just grand! Especially since they breathe fire and that unicorn keeps cooking all the burgers super rare. Bastard. Unicorns are nifty and all but they are terrible cooks. There was definitely a lemon in that cheese burger. Dragons are the best cooks. Too bad they are not real.

Wouldn’t it be cool if there was a slide all around the world? Like one big slide and then you go on and visit all the countries as you’re sliding by. Also there would be a rule that as you slide by the natives of the corresponding country must give you food. Maybe a massage too. Although that won’t be possible since you’re sliding and there is no way they can give you a massage that quick. Otherwise it’s a pretty good idea. Realistically they can just wave and cheer you on like you’re running a marathon, but you’re not.

Still a massage would be nice. This thing is getting to long and I don’t how to end it.

Here is a haiku:

I like cheese okay

I forgot how to write haiku

This is definitly wrong, I will google

it

Have a nice life everybody.