I don’t care about your pocket full of posies (ashes, ashes, all fall down)

Hello everyone, I just want to congratulate you all on reading a title that I made up randomly because I’m weird.

Now let’s talk about chicken.

In about 2 days I’m going to roast a whole chicken and then I’m going to eat it. Afterwards I will watch tv while eating ice cream. This is called Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is an American holiday commemorating everyone’s love of turkeys and cranberries and pumpkin pie. Basically what happened was that long time ago, like 40 years ago, after the dinosaurs died there was a shortage of food and everyone was happy. Then no one was happy. Then everyone got depressed. Then for some reason somebody thought that the depression was awesome so the called it the Great!! Depression!
Some time passes, like 5 years, and someone finds a turkey. They cook it and eat.

Some more time passes, like 2 years later, someone finds a pumpkin. They pie it and eat.

Then Abraham Lincoln gets shot in a theater. Guess what? There were cranberries in that theater. Someone finds them and eats them.

And that’s how thanksgiving was discovered by Christopher Columbus.

Now the real funny part is I hate turkey, therefore chicken.

This is called irony. It is also called badly written made up stuff.

*This post does not contain any pictures because I’m lazy.

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The origin of cake

A long long time ago in the land of lets get people fat and stuff there lived a witch.

And this witch was a terrible person, like the worst person ever. She was all like I hate turtles. Seriously who does that? Also she liked math.

One day she looked into her crystal ball and saw something shocking. The crystal ball told the witch in a very crystal bally way that in 4 million years a beautiful girl who goes by the name of Square Flea will be born and be very beautiful and awesome. She will also be good a math. Moreover, there is nothing the witch can do about it.

“Cool.” Said the witch while violently throwing the crystal ball  on the floor.

Then she cried because the witch hated the beautiful awesome girl born 4 million years later. Especially if she was good at math. Especially if there was nothing she could do about it.

“Oh poor mio!” Wailed the witch while feeding her pet whale.

The she ate lunch, played checkers, and took a shower.

Also she invented cake. That was nice.

She then went to sleep.

She died four years later.

God bless her soul.

357 Things To Do Instead of Writing a Blog Post

Here’s a list. It lists things. Some have descriptions. Some don’t. That’s life.

  1. brush your hair
  2. think about starting another blog
  3. read a book- hahaha just kidding, just stare at the book
  4. read the book- actually read the thing
  5. go on an African safari
  6. kidnap a giraffe
  7. put the giraffe in the oven
  8. take the giraffe out of the oven and put a camel in instead
  9. sneeze
  10. rob a bank while riding a giraffe
  11. make up your own swear words
  12. lose the giraffe
  13. faq faq faq my life I can’t believe I lost that son of a biscuit
  14. make biscuits
  15. eat the biscuits
  16. call your best friend and complain about the dry biscuit
  17. also complain about the giraffe
  18. also complain about your life problems, the economy, and disappearance of the honey bees
  19. adopt a honey badger
  20. go fishing
  21. find the giraffe except oh no now its dead
  22. get a job
  23. get another job
  24. yes, get one more job
  25. volunteer the rest of your hours
  26. watch a movie
  27. go up to a random stranger and ask them for the time. When they answer tell them its the wrong answer.
  28. go to Florida and eat somebody’s face off
  29. go to Jersey and cut up pieces of your flesh and intestines
  30. throw your flesh and intestines at cops
  31. get mad at a pigeon
  32. make a dress out of pigeon guts
  33. build a spaceship
  34. build a planet
  35. get mad at the dead giraffe
  36. get mentally lost
  37. start a business and fail it
  38. call customer service and say “but that’s not even a burger!”
  39. get mad at an onion
  40. start another business and fail it
  41. paint a rainbow on your forehead
  42. take all your clothes off
  43. go to Florida and get your face eaten off raw
  44. go to the hospital
  45. scream zombies and brains when you wake up
  46. eat some ice cream
  47. eat some brains
  48. run for president
  49. lose the presidency because you were originally born in a far distance M planet
  50. have a baby and demand to have its picture on the cover of People’s magazine
  51. roll in mud
  52. eat the mud
  53. pretend to be be a wandering philosopher and ask everyone you meet where the darn oatmeal is.
  54. laugh
  55. don’t laugh
  56. sit down
  57. don’t sit down
  58. run on water
  59. clip your toenails
  60. eat cheese
  61. milk a cow
  62. clone the cow
  63. shoot the cow
  64. wave at the giraffe that randomly appeared
  65. watch as someone spears the giraffe
  66. put the giraffe in the refrigerator
  67. buy a penguin
  68. put the penguin in the refrigerator
  69. say lalala blah blrggh three times fast
  70. ask William to go to the pumpkin patch
  71. punch William in the face
  72. punch Jesse in the face
  73. punch Ahmed in the face
  74. kick the giraffe for escaping from the refrigerator
  75. go to Florida and eat the giraffe

I’m Not Funny.

Let’s get this straight.

I’m not funny, like a funny bunny.

I wish I was but alas no.

I also wish I can talk to trees. Then I remember that there are no good trees in this world anymore.

I feel the need to clarify this (the “not funny” thing not the “bad tree” thing) because I feel like I’m being given credit that I don’t deserve. I also feel that if aliens do make contact with us, I should be earth’s ambassador to their planet. Moreover, I feel the love tonight.

Funny is an art, it requires skill and talent. Like comedians for example. They’re all like, yo listen to this joke son! And the audience is like, wow and hhahahahaha. And then Hitler.

Funny (according to google images):

I do something else. Something that requires no skill at all. It’s called random absurdity.

Notice how I say that like its a real thing? Look I got diagnosed with random absurdity! I should be a doctor! But really I just made that up and that’s cool I guess.

Sometimes it’s funny, but most of the time it’s just  . .just. . .very purple foldery. Like this purple folder that I have where I keep my old exams. And in that folder there is a sheet of paper listing a whole bunch of phone numbers. I have no idea who’s numbers they are but I still call them. And that, is a perfect description of my “funny”.

So you should all stick with me because when random absurdity becomes a movement and I rule the world I will acknowledge you all as my bosom booger mates (the highest friendship status that can be achieved with the leader of the random absurd world).

I would also like to point out that I’m very honest by keeping true to the title and keeping it all unfunny.

Stay random,

The Square Flea

Challenge status (what’s this about?): DAY 19

So I Wrote a Song

My Foot is a Love Song

Don’t give up! Don’t give up!

Doodoo doo-wap, doo-wop

You must always belieeeevveeee

Niiieeoooowww Niw Niw Nieoowwww

And know that the sky will always be thereeee

Gada gada gada gadaaa yeahhh yeahhh

Some other cliche phase yeah, yeah

That cliche again, woaaahh woooohh

maybe a whistle here

and of course I need a Nah neh nah neh Nah

and always Believeeeeeeee

And look at your feet, yeah

look at your feet, wooahh

look at you feet, baaaabbbyyyyy

Niawww

Nieaowwwww

NNNAAAOOOOOOWWWWWWW

Yeah.

 

Challenge status (what’s this about?): DAY 17

 

This Post Sucks, Don’t Read It.

Why are you reading this? Didn’t I specifically tell you not to?? HMMMM??

I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking that I’m just testing you,  to see if you are a true reader or not. Maybe I will tell you how “How I Met Your Mother” actually met the mother in this post and all the losers that don’t read this won’t find out.

Guess what?

NO

Just NO.

This post actually sucks forceps. It maybe even suck antlers, 4 and a half antlers to be precise.

Listen to me! I’m an idiot so don’t listen to me!

I literally have 15 minutes to write and publish this thing because I have other deadlines to meet and buttons that will save the world to press. This means I’m probaly gonna stop worring about spelling and grammers. so stop now! this post is literally deterriorating before your very eyes.

you must be wondering what makes a post sucky? like forcep sucky or 4 and a half antlers to be precisely:

1) Abuses the english language- bad Grammers AND capitalization. Like no respect, yo!

2) like it talks about nothing- their is know point to it

like whats this even about/

like nothing

I meean think about it. BEES are classically yellow and black and school buses are yellow and black.

HEY GUYS this is a yellow school bus!!

Coincidence?

I THINK NOT!!

Also there is the fact my google is broken. Thats sounds dirty but seriously it is. I cant google on fire focks so I have to use that blue E thing to survive. LAME-O

(Woah I totally thought that was just a regular picture of a couch but its actually a movie!)

Time is almost upppy!!!

I should write a quick goodbye song!

Like in Blues Clues at the end of episodes they would sing that song and you would sing it too because its so darn catchy.

End post time is so saddy

but this girl needs to finish nowwy

because she is doing things

like stuff and she wears rings

so makes sure you read another post soon

Where I will talk about stuff

Challenge status (what’s this about?): DAY 13

Rumer Has it.

Once upon a time, a long long time ago, there lived a girl who was going to write a wonderful post today. It was going to be wonderful and awesome. There was going to be action, romance, and comedy. It was going to be so good that everyone in the kingdom would love her and maybe get her a cake?

But guess what? She didn’t write a wonderful post. She was going to but alas an ogre and five zombies attacked her and she had to go to the hospital.

In other news, this is Rumer Willis:

She’s an actress, which is cool I guess.

But I have a serious problem with this woman. Actually,googling her image showed me that a lot of people had a problem with her, but that’s mostly because they were being mean about her face.

That’s not my issue.

My issue is her name. WHY WOULD YOU NAME YOUR DAUGHTER RUMER?? HMMMMM??

Dear Demi Moore (her mother) and Bruce Willis (her father),

WHY WOULD YOU NAME YOUR DAUGHTER RUMER?? HMMMMM??

AND WHY RUMER WITH AN “E”?? HMMMMM???

Sincerely,

ME

They never answered my letter but that’s only because they knew. Oh yes, they knew that I would find out on my own. . .and today I did.

Today this happened:

And that’s repeated, over and over again.

In my head that’s all I can see. That Rumer Willis has IT. What is IT?? What does she have on Adele.

What IT can possibly be:

1) The heart from the previous lyric line.

2) Your love anymore.

3) That thing that people do sometimes when they go to that place with those people?

4) What a presidential candidate needs (according to the news)?

4) Something else.

If you have any ideas please let me know! Because this girl has got no clue.

Challenge status (what’s this?): Day 4 (just made it!)