I Killed Negative Nelly (maybe)

Hello all you wonderful people!

I am oh so sorry that I  haven’t posted anything for more than a week now and I assure you that there is a good reason for it.

You see,  I’ve been on vacation!

That’s right! Vacation!

Last Thursday, I  departed for the beautiful exotic Island of I’m Sick and in Bed  and just returned from it yesterday. It was definitely a beautiful and relaxing experience.

I visited Sore Throat, Fever, Ear Infection, Throat Infection, Here’s A Headache, and then when I realized that I still had more time in the Island I swung by A Random Bloody Nose every once in a while.

It was great! It was wonderful! It was fantabulous!!

Plus on the fourth day the Island opened up a new attraction called I Don’t Know What You Might Be Allergic To But Here Are Some Random Hives. Needless to say, it was fun!

And every night the Island hosted an extravagant pity party featuring all the best of guilty fattening food! And I love those guys. The parties were so wild and crazy that I lost my voice!

Moreover,  watched lots and lots of strange YouTube videos that completely changed my life around. Including one video trying to figure out the the science of attraction. It claims that one part of attraction is having a positive and enthusiastic attitude because nobody likes a downey downer (Robert Downey jr ??).

The video taught me to speak about all my experiences  in a more positive light so everybody can love me and stuff. Also the word fantabulous is now in my conversational vocabulary storage bank. All because I want to seduce all of you! (Are you fantabulously attracted to me now?)

So even though I’m still on lots of medication it’s alright because butterflies! That’s right! They’re soo pretty and positive and positive. Except when they are all dead and stuff in those butterfly museums! (Or if they’re in your stomach, but really people why would you eat those things?)

The best part about the vacation was that I did a bunch of soul searching and found out a lot of new things about me! Like:

1) I can in fact cough up a lung

2) Blood tastes way too metallic for me to ever want to be a vampire

And . .

3)  I might not know the difference between being positive and being bitterly sarcastic

So I hope all you fantabulous people are doing well!

Hey YOU! Where the Heck are You From?!?

One of the best things about having a blog is knowing that your posts are out there for the world to read and make fun of.

And that maybe, maybe some person thousands and thousands of miles away can actually read the contents of your brain that you threw up onto a “post” and laugh over the idea that you think you know how to write.

I think this is nifty. Moreover, I think this is grand.

I feel that somehow having someone read my  blog  makes it almost like I’m visiting them. Which might possibly make me a world traveler! So hurray for that new Views per Country thing WordPress added. It’s really nice of them to tell me where I’ve been.

But still, I feel like it’s not enough.

So now we have reached the core of the apple, the tip of the pizza (which is actually the center of the pizza pie), the main point of this post: I want all of you to (please) introduce yourself and tell me where you’re from. It would also be nice if you gave me your credit card number but its okay if you don’t.

I don’t care if your a long time follower (stalker) or someone whose cat accidentally clicked on my blog, just introduce yourself. A location and a random fact about you is all that is needed. Your cat can introduce itself too!

Here I’ll start it off.

Hi! I’m from the USA! Specifically the magnificent state of New Jersey which is well known for it’s rather pale population, excellent grammar, and its extremely intelligent Neuroscientists. Plus we have a beautiful shore so yeah. I love to start my sentences with an “and”. And I like to put my water bottle down upside-down-like when I set it on the table because I’m a bad ass rebel.

SO WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU FROM?!?

It ain’t over till the fat lady sin(g)(k)s?

Ladies and gentlemen, today I have made a startling discovery that has completely changed my life around. You see, all my life I have been saying “it ain’t over until the fat lady sinks” when it is actually “it ain’t over until the fat lady sings“. For those of you who were on the same boat and thought that the fat lady fell over and sunk, I have come to inform you that the fat lady was never at risk for drowning. In fact she was at the karaoke, singing.

But let it be known that I am not here to admit defeat, rather this is a draft of rebellion. I have come to unite all my sinkers against the tyrant rule of the singers. For those of you who are neutral on this issue, I ask you to please consider the sinking side.

But why?

Nobody would ever want to be on the sinking side.

The answer is very straightforward

I mean think about it -it aint over till the fat lady sings- what does that even MEAN? It doesn’t even make sense. What does singing have to do with something being over?

According to the internet,  it references a certain opera where a certain fat lady sings at the end.You know what I’m talking about, the buxom woman with the horned helmet, spear, and shield who’s voice may or may not break  glass.  So I guess it makes sense if you really think about it.

. . .

Not really.

NO.

Sinking makes much more sense. The end is death, the fat lady isn’t dead until she sinks and suffocates in whatever she in sinking in.

I wanted to draw you all a picture to demonstrate that effect except they never say what she is sinking in. I would ask them, if I knew who they were. So I’m sure it would be just fine to assume anything we wish.

She can be sinking in water.

She can be sinking in glue, or chocolate, or gold coins.

She can sinking in air, because air is a fluid too.

But nobody dies by drowning in air!!*

And so now we have reached the ultimate reason of why you should join the sinking side; you can have extended metaphors!

air- never sink- never over

dead sea -never sink- never over

cupcakes- maybe sink- very yummy

happiness- definitely sink- maybe over but you’re happy so stop complaining

Consider this:

Motivational speaker guy: They say it ain’t over until the fat lady sinks but I say she is in air so she will never sink. It will NEVER be over! We will prevail!!

Compared to this:

Sorry excuse for a motivational speaker guy: They say say it ain’t over until the fat lady sings. So somebody duct tape her mouth shut! And surgically remove her vocal cords! It will NEVER be over! We will prevail!!

See how demeaning and violent the singing side is? I rest my case.

See you all in the quicksand.

*Please note that “sinking in air” does not mean the same thing as falling off a cliff and dying. It simply means being completely covered by air, like when your standing, or sitting, or sleeping, and you cannot die from it. Well you can but it wouldn’t be the air’s fault. It would be YOUR fault or rather the fault of guy choking you.

Think about that and have  a nice day!

It’s Adventure Time! Two Minutes in My Head.

This is probably a terrible idea but I’m going to just write everything that crosses my mind in the next two minutes. Or what I think is two minutes.

This is a bad idea.

There is a vacuum in my head. I mean I’ve gone completely blank. Scumbag brain! I usually have a battlefield of thoughts in there but today when I actually want to write my thoughts down they commit mass suicide. How can I think of nothing? That’s not even possible. Except with that thing where you think nothing and everyone is like wow dude that’s amazing. It’s kind of like meditation but not really. Or enlightenment! I saw a video about that before, when this lady had a stroke and she was like I reached enlightenment! It’s like thinking of everything and nothing at the same time. Like you have a thousand billion thoughts in your brain but they’re all wearing invisibility cloaks. So they’re all there but not really. I’ve reached nirvana!?!

No. No, I didn’t.

I’m just going to think of flowers. I really like flowers, especially lilies and roses. Like a whole field of them and then I can run through a field of flowers like a corny movie and everyone will say look that that beautiful girl and her pet dinosaur. And then I’ll get on his back and we can fly over the field of roses since he is that type of dinosaur that flies. The one with the wings, I forget their name. Then we can have a barbeque and I’ll eat a cheeseburger. Maybe there will be a cat. No, wait there is a cat and she’s birdisaurus’ wife. And look! There are their children. A rare breed of catobirdisaurus, isn’t that just grand! Especially since they breathe fire and that unicorn keeps cooking all the burgers super rare. Bastard. Unicorns are nifty and all but they are terrible cooks. There was definitely a lemon in that cheese burger. Dragons are the best cooks. Too bad they are not real.

Wouldn’t it be cool if there was a slide all around the world? Like one big slide and then you go on and visit all the countries as you’re sliding by. Also there would be a rule that as you slide by the natives of the corresponding country must give you food. Maybe a massage too. Although that won’t be possible since you’re sliding and there is no way they can give you a massage that quick. Otherwise it’s a pretty good idea. Realistically they can just wave and cheer you on like you’re running a marathon, but you’re not.

Still a massage would be nice. This thing is getting to long and I don’t how to end it.

Here is a haiku:

I like cheese okay

I forgot how to write haiku

This is definitly wrong, I will google

it

Have a nice life everybody.