Hey I Just Met You

If my home had a slogan it would be “Home of the broken AC, since 2004”.

Now some of you might not know this, but its summertime. And believe it or not, it can be very hot during this thing called summer. Which makes my home a very undesirable place, unless you’re bacteria.

This leaves me with one other place where I can spend my day: work.

If my workplace had a slogan it would be “Hey we have working AC! And we have lots of work, so do it! LOL”

So after a week of ridiculous amount of work  fun, I decided bye everybody I’m going to the beach. It was a great plan, because there was no planing involved. Just up and went with a couple of friends. Two hour car ride with the radio blasting and all those wonderful catchy songs getting stuck in your head. All those catchy songs getting stuck in your head like that sticky fly trap thing.

All those catchy song getting stuck in your head.

BEACH HIGHLIGHTS!!

  1. the sand is very very hot
  2. the air was very hot
  3. I was very hot
  4. I turned a very attractive red color
  5. that color is now a very attractive orange brown
  6. I discovered the crossing out words feature. Thanks WordPress!
  7. 4 people have already died at that beach this year
  8. I went in that water like I was immortal and death couldn’t get me
  9. Also I can’t swim
  10. Also I was like uh oh my feet can’t touch the ground anymore
  11. Also I can’t swim
  12. Then I saw this guy and was like Hey!
  13. And he was like are you ok?
  14. and I was like I’m fine!
  15. and he was like do you need a little help?
  16. and I was like maybe .. .probably . . also I can’t swim
  17. and he was like I’m coming!

Now if any normal person out there was just saved from drowning they would be thinking Wow I almost died and that guy saved me! Thanks guy! Imagine if I died? I should have finished that tub of ice cream, you cant gain weight if you’re dead! I’ll finish it anyway to celebrate the continuation of my life!

But all I could think was Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy but I can’t swim. So save me, maybe?

and it kept going: Before you came into my life I going to drown, I was going to drown, I was going to drown drown.

and it didn’t go away:

Hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but you cut me off

so I’ll kill you, maybe?

and I couldn’t stop:

Hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but there is sand in my butt

so I’ll flash you, maybe?

So yea I almost died this weekend. I was in death’s clutches and all that.

I Killed Negative Nelly (maybe)

Hello all you wonderful people!

I am oh so sorry that I  haven’t posted anything for more than a week now and I assure you that there is a good reason for it.

You see,  I’ve been on vacation!

That’s right! Vacation!

Last Thursday, I  departed for the beautiful exotic Island of I’m Sick and in Bed  and just returned from it yesterday. It was definitely a beautiful and relaxing experience.

I visited Sore Throat, Fever, Ear Infection, Throat Infection, Here’s A Headache, and then when I realized that I still had more time in the Island I swung by A Random Bloody Nose every once in a while.

It was great! It was wonderful! It was fantabulous!!

Plus on the fourth day the Island opened up a new attraction called I Don’t Know What You Might Be Allergic To But Here Are Some Random Hives. Needless to say, it was fun!

And every night the Island hosted an extravagant pity party featuring all the best of guilty fattening food! And I love those guys. The parties were so wild and crazy that I lost my voice!

Moreover,  watched lots and lots of strange YouTube videos that completely changed my life around. Including one video trying to figure out the the science of attraction. It claims that one part of attraction is having a positive and enthusiastic attitude because nobody likes a downey downer (Robert Downey jr ??).

The video taught me to speak about all my experiences  in a more positive light so everybody can love me and stuff. Also the word fantabulous is now in my conversational vocabulary storage bank. All because I want to seduce all of you! (Are you fantabulously attracted to me now?)

So even though I’m still on lots of medication it’s alright because butterflies! That’s right! They’re soo pretty and positive and positive. Except when they are all dead and stuff in those butterfly museums! (Or if they’re in your stomach, but really people why would you eat those things?)

The best part about the vacation was that I did a bunch of soul searching and found out a lot of new things about me! Like:

1) I can in fact cough up a lung

2) Blood tastes way too metallic for me to ever want to be a vampire

And . .

3)  I might not know the difference between being positive and being bitterly sarcastic

So I hope all you fantabulous people are doing well!

Deep Thoughts with Ann Archie

Someone should really make Play-Doh perfume, that way you can spray it on kids that did not have a childhood and they can pretend they did. Look everyone, you would say, my child has a great childhood because he plays with Play-Doh.  But the truth is you just sprayed him with Play-Doh smelling perfume because you’re a terrible parent.

I really like the idea of a Post-it note. I mean its like a tiny paper with a sticky side and it usually comes in colors that no one would wear, what’s not to like about it.

One time, my friend was eating those hard Life Saver candies and he started to choke on them. We all started to laugh because we thought of how ironic it would be if he actually choked to death on a Life Saver. That’s why no one called for help, because it would be a great story to tell the grand kids.

I really want to buy a leather green jacket so that everyone can start calling me “that girl with the green leather jacket“. Then when I commit a crime, I would wear a black jacket and confuse the hell out of everyone.

Turtles are really stupid, I bet they have an IQ of 3.

I really hate it when I’m eating ice cream outside and then the kid from across the street turns into a butterfly and sits on it.

You know that feeling you get when you have to listen to someone with an annoying voice. You just spend the whole time wishing that you can have an annoying voice too so you can enter “American Idol” and then maybe the whole world can hate you.

Did you ever laugh so hard that you swallowed a kidney? Of course you did, how did you think it got there?

If I was Spider-Man I would kill myself because spiders are gross.

That awkward moment when you’re googling signs of heart attack because you think the person sitting next to you is having one and then they die.

Everyone was really nice to me out in the Wild West. Except for the part where some cowboy shot my leg off and I said “hey cowboy why did you shoot my leg off?” and the cowboy said “Caboose catgut nairn, ride ’em!”. Even though I really miss my leg we all had some good laughs.

I always keep a good book with me at all times. That way if I’m ever in a bank and it gets robbed and they say “EVERYBODY DOWN” I would have something to read while I’m down there. Because if you think about it, you would realize that it takes a very long time to gather all that money. You wouldn’t want to get bored.

One time this guy told me I told terrible jokes and that I’m not funny at all, so I fed his brains to zombies and laughed.

Adventures with Chad, a Memoir

Today marks the tenth and a half year anniversary since my pet Chad went missing. He was a true and wonderful friend and I thought I can commemorate his memory today by telling you the story of how I met him.

I was on my way home from school when I saw Chad just laying there on the ground looking abandoned and sad. Well actually, I saw him after my sister stepped on him and he was stuck on her shoe.

ME: What the heck is stuck on your shoe?

HER: Hmmm it looks like a leaf. . .

ME: Wow its such a pretty leaf! It looks like a green heart! Let’s take it home with us and make it a pet!

HER: Yea but mom says we can only have one pet and we already have my pet Lisa the hotdog AND we already have Walter the stick AND Mustafa the snail as secret pets.

ME: Well we don’t actually have Lisa anymore, I ate her yesterday. Besides who keeps a hotdog for a pet, that’s soooo ssttttuuuuppppid.

HER: It’s not stupid! It has the word dog in it so yes it is a pet!! LEAF PETS ARE STUPID.

ME: YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!! You’re face is stupid!

HER: Oh yeah? Well your soul is stupid!! And I’m gonna eat this stupid leaf just like you ate Lisa!!

ME: NO you can’t eat CHAD! That’s cruel and you can get cancer or cellular devastation if you eat leaves!

HER: Really?

ME: Yes and you will die.

HER: Like Lisa who’s dead now! *cries*

ME: You are the stupidest stupid person in this stupid world full of stupid people doing stupid things! Lisa was already dead meat when we bought her!

HER: You’re face is a stupid piece of dead meat! Its the stupidest piece of dead stupid meat it’s SO STUPID.

[The stupid exchange continues until we finally get home]

HER: Fine you can keep Chad under two conditions. . .

Then just like that I was able to keep Chad. We had a wonderful two days together. We went on walks, took baths together, and I got to draw on his face.

AND THEN HE WENT MISSING.

And I knew exactly who took him.

I had to do everyone’s chores for a month after I decapitated all my sisters barbies and tried to flush them down the toilet. I also put gum in her hair but I didn’t get in trouble for that because everyone just thought my sister did that to herself accidentally. All and all, it was all worth it. I had avenged Chad’s death (disappearance) while proving that I may have the potential to be an evil genius.

Oh and if anyone happens to see Chad can they please let him know I miss him and I wish he would come back home.

It’s Adventure Time! Two Minutes in My Head.

This is probably a terrible idea but I’m going to just write everything that crosses my mind in the next two minutes. Or what I think is two minutes.

This is a bad idea.

There is a vacuum in my head. I mean I’ve gone completely blank. Scumbag brain! I usually have a battlefield of thoughts in there but today when I actually want to write my thoughts down they commit mass suicide. How can I think of nothing? That’s not even possible. Except with that thing where you think nothing and everyone is like wow dude that’s amazing. It’s kind of like meditation but not really. Or enlightenment! I saw a video about that before, when this lady had a stroke and she was like I reached enlightenment! It’s like thinking of everything and nothing at the same time. Like you have a thousand billion thoughts in your brain but they’re all wearing invisibility cloaks. So they’re all there but not really. I’ve reached nirvana!?!

No. No, I didn’t.

I’m just going to think of flowers. I really like flowers, especially lilies and roses. Like a whole field of them and then I can run through a field of flowers like a corny movie and everyone will say look that that beautiful girl and her pet dinosaur. And then I’ll get on his back and we can fly over the field of roses since he is that type of dinosaur that flies. The one with the wings, I forget their name. Then we can have a barbeque and I’ll eat a cheeseburger. Maybe there will be a cat. No, wait there is a cat and she’s birdisaurus’ wife. And look! There are their children. A rare breed of catobirdisaurus, isn’t that just grand! Especially since they breathe fire and that unicorn keeps cooking all the burgers super rare. Bastard. Unicorns are nifty and all but they are terrible cooks. There was definitely a lemon in that cheese burger. Dragons are the best cooks. Too bad they are not real.

Wouldn’t it be cool if there was a slide all around the world? Like one big slide and then you go on and visit all the countries as you’re sliding by. Also there would be a rule that as you slide by the natives of the corresponding country must give you food. Maybe a massage too. Although that won’t be possible since you’re sliding and there is no way they can give you a massage that quick. Otherwise it’s a pretty good idea. Realistically they can just wave and cheer you on like you’re running a marathon, but you’re not.

Still a massage would be nice. This thing is getting to long and I don’t how to end it.

Here is a haiku:

I like cheese okay

I forgot how to write haiku

This is definitly wrong, I will google

it

Have a nice life everybody.